The Cell

why

2008-10-25T12:41:00.003+08:00

I didn't tell anyone. No i never did.

It's fall in Boston. I have been told that it's the most beautiful time of the year. I never got the chance to really look into the city until today. It was a sunny afternoon. I was there by myself, witnessing every single encounter, and shouldering every loss that came right after.

You've got to pin me down for me to tell the truth.

I wanted to sit you down and ask you why. Wanted to give you time to explain rather than quitting. I wanted to corner you and look into your eyes, use my harshest tone and ask you why. WHY.

Why. Why is it like that? Why did i try so hard, and yet fall so short? Why am i made like this? How long more do i need to go through Those sessions before i can be well, and feeling normal and adequate? How many times must i stumble before i can get fully recovered? Why do people don't understand? What must i do to make them understand? Why are they better, smarter, faster, richer? What about me? I tried so hard, what about me??

Help

2008-06-14T01:15:00.003+08:00

I need someone to talk to. Someone who doesn't need to understand everything but who is willing to just listen. Someone who doesn't judge and offers no advice. Someone who is still gonna be a friend after knowing my brokenness and inadequacy.

Flowers

2008-06-01T15:00:00.006+08:00

What do you do when you really miss someone?

I don't quite know what to do, just yet. Sometimes i will distance myself away from the crowd, instead, i will watch people from a corner, hoping to fill myself up with the blissfulness and happiness of those around me, so that i will feel loved enough to chase away the emptiness that is slowly building up in me. Sometimes i will go to sleep, hoping that i will dream about the times we shared together. Sometimes i will immerse myself in the routine of work, freezing the part of my brain which has you in it.

But most times, i do what i know best - look high up into the sky, into the clouds, and send a prayer way up high. So no matter how far you are or which part of the world you are in, you will always be able to see it. We are always under the same sky, aren't we?

So many people walk in and out of our lives, staying only for a brief moment. We are delighted to bring someone in, and yet reluctant to let go when needed. So many tiny, insignificant encounters keep happening to bring some closer together, and others apart. In a world of such confusion, we are spun into the whirlpool of relationships. We dance along the coastline, leap in the softeness of sandy beaches, never quite knowing when the next wave will crash in, sometimes screaming and yelling in joy, but others in exasperation. We are thrown into a zone of uncertainties.

That day when i was walking pass a florist. I saw a young kid carefully selecting flowers, stalk by stalk. The fact that he was wearing a primary school uniform already caught my attention, but guess what, he was choosing the flowers using his nose - he was blind. The receiver of those flowers must mean a lot to him, i thought.

Some say buying flowers is a waste of money, because they all wilt and die. It's the most maddening fact of all that once conspicuous and beautiful, they all will eventually end up in the waste busket. Still, we buy them. Still, we give them. Still, we receive these lovely gifts, with love and gratitude, because of the memory, because we want to keep happy moments as part of our memory. We keep those memories in a part of our hearts, along with other blessed encounters, to prolong the freshness of love and sincerity, even if they last only just a brief moment.

I envied that young buyer. Of all the physical disabilities that could bound him into a sorrowful outcaste, he is strong enough to care for his loved ones - love of the brave and daring kind, the kind that has overcome the fear of getting hurt, the fear of giving too much, too soon.

Flowers are just like our relationships. Most last for seasons which end. Yet, nothing stops us from loving, from daring to love, from daring to invest, from daring to put ourselves on the line - and getting hurt. Just like the way nothing, nothing stops the budding, the shining glory when it's at full bloom and their eventual incandescent. We love, in the way flowers bloom - daringly, abandonedly.

Even though we know everything would come to an end.

We lost people along the way. Few friendships and relationships last for life. Flowers wilt, lives change, and all we are left we are just memories that we store in the deepest corner of our hearts, that these memories we cherish so much are no more than a remembrance of who we were and where we used to be, and that we don't have much choice but to hold on to those memories.

That day, i was just thinking about things, the way i often do - thinking about what had happened, why we stopped being around each other, why it always felt like i had lost someone close whenever people come and go. It sort of came to my mind that maybe, just maybe i put too much faith into believing people that i lost myself along the way.

I mean sometimes you do lose the sense of direction of where you are heading to, right? That despite the clarity of you dreams, despite your determination to get to them, despite your supportive friends and families, your mentality about things change, no? That sometimes you feel like you are running in a circle, that you could feel happy everyday but still you could feel something is missing in your life.

Life is precious, isn't it? That no mistakes, no crimes, no disappointments, no rejections, no difficulties, no problems would be so great to sacrifice your will to live and make all your dreams come true, right?

Or could it be that after so much, after so much of struggling and learning, you realise that you cannot find a meaning to life?

I remember you. We were not very close but you''re just like a big brother to me. We used to talk about life. About my dreams, and yours. We sort of concluded that it's best to have the least expectations of things. But how ignorant i was. It was the last time i saw you.

It just sets me thinking. What are meaningful relationships to you, in a world of constant uncertainties and regular irregularrities?

It's a loss to lose the once-known familiar closeness. A lot of times, i have yet to overcome the hurt of the first loss before another person walks in or walks out. I realise, the key to a meaningful life lies in us, ourselves. It's easy to love Strangers, hard to love friends, harder still to love family members and even harder to love yourself.

But do we stop buying, giving, receiveing flowers, stop loving, daringly and unabashedly because of the possibility of change, the possibility of death?

You have your answer to that.

Gratitude

2008-05-15T00:28:00.001+08:00

How i wished i could blow the candles in front of a house of blissful friends and family members. How i wished i could receive beautiful flowers and small gifts. How i wished there could be real hugs and genuine kisses coming from someone, anyone, even strangers. How i wished i could turn back time to celebrate my mum's love and courage to bear me. How i wished all my dreams would come through.

It's a day of thinking, of remembering the past, and of looking ahead for another 20 years. Today, i was reminded of the life i have in replace of hers. I was bonded to the nolstagia of the past love which appeared so vividly before me, being knot-tied, fastly-connected, and insurmountably linked to the core of the values that had made me who i am today.

I so very often believe that the continuation of life is the key to conquering new frontiers and redefining current niches. For once, our parents and grandparents have been stuck and thrown out of the ways, strangled and deserted, defeated and exiled, have failed and yet overcome, have struggled and yet prevailed, and have been in despair and yet they pressed on. This is a life that we get. With their motherly instints, they guide and feed us, protect and replenish us, slowly losing their grip along the way, till the day when we could pave the paths of our own.

The only regret i would have in this life is i had to believe also that the exception to the supposedly unconditional parental love happened in my life.

Deep in my heart, i would always know, that there is no escape to This, to the one Daddy, one Mummy and one Family that i ever had. I had to walk through the miles, travel the distances, only to find out at the end of the journey that my aloofness and indifference stem from the unique experiences i had at home since i was a child. And sometimes, i am telling you, that sometimes, i really don't feel like associating myself with anyone. It's like a mental barrier that decelerates any unions or interacting activities with other people, and very often i just stop trying to reach out. I just stop There, get away from people. Why? Because nobody understands. Nobody is able to truly understand the feeling of an abandoned child left to fight for a future, alone.

Above is a long awaited message from my 20th birthday, of which i never found a purpose in conveying. But today, i have the courage to tell because i've got a new outlook.

That whenever i feel the need to shift myself away from the crowd, perhaps, it's also the time when i need to be There for myself, to work on my mental strength, to deal with problems which only myself could understand.

And please tell me how strong i have been, because nobody has ever said that to me.

Closure

2008-04-25T01:03:00.007+08:00

Since when did everybody start telling me that i have a happy soul, and the most cheerful expressions on my face? That when i started smiling, i could smile from my heart.

It's been weeks or months, of indulging myself in a seemingly meaningful reconstructive process, of trying so earnestly hard to bring my life path back to normality with whatever faith left in me, for me, of seeking a mutual understanding between what goes on inside me and what goes out to represent the inside.

Sometimes i just could not resist the temptation to have a good laugh, for the tiniest joke, and have the brightest smile on my face, when i meet people like you.

It's all part of the process, isn't it? When you begin to drop all your expectations, you start your degree in the pursuit of life's happiness. What's wrong with zero expectations? What's wrong with a Rafflesian working at Fish and Co and get paid $5 per hour? What's wrong with minimising appointments and spending more time on books, badminton and casual stroll? What's wrong if i cannot make it to Boston? What's wrong with having no big dreams, but simple, realistic goals in life?

To say the least, i am enjoying my work as much as i can. Serving people has never been an easy job. Sometimes you have customers slamming straight on your face with harsh words and unmannerly behaviours, and you have the management unappreciative and sacarstic response for your hard work at others. And you think about your strengths and weaknesses, and realise it's all part of growing up, of accepting offensive attitude, of letting go your dignified value of self-worth, of converting complacencies into humility, of reverting complications back to its basis of simplicity.

You've reached the first milestone, where you are perfectly alright with smiling your heart out and not feeling estranged by the way people perceive who you are. That whatever it takes, you have enough faith in you to feel no alienations to how you carry yourself in front of people and the way you really are. You feel a sence of liberation, like you are free of all judgements and criticism. At once, you feel like the biggest enemy is from the crowd, the people, the way things are. You feel like you are not given a choice, all of these, this life, that career path, this family, that university placement, and you just feel like you are living, but in a solemn, unglamourous, shaky and gloomy kind of world. You question everything, and you keep telling yourself there should be more, much more to this dry routine of seeing dreams broken, hopes lost, love departed. And you forget how to be yourself, and have the inner strength to accommodate everything that is mortal, non-lasting and uncertain.

There are things that you have been fighting so hard for. Your first car, first 1 Million dollars, first condominium, first heart-to-heart conversation with your teenager kids, first family holiday, even first love. We price them as our purposes of live and set foot on each day to acquire them, brushing off your children's request for support at school performances, substituting cash with time for love for your parents, rejecting your good friends' invitations to social gatherings... and then you suddenly realise you don't know what you have been working so hard for.

Of late, i've had to ask myself the implications for being who you truly are and being ignorant of what people want you to be. It's so challenging to manage that, because we have been taught to set the right expectation for ourselves based on those's whom we respected.

Just ask yourself this : Who is there to be responsible if you fail to meet the expectations of others?

And how can you say you're comfortable with yourself when you fear what others think of you?
How can you expect people to love you the way you want them to love you if are selfish with your love?

I am not hiding anymore. That to play hide-and-seek is a deceitful, cowardly and destroying way of seeking the sense of superiority because you are lying your own life away for an instant, short-lived sense of satisfaction. When in fact everyone who plays hide-and-seek gets found out in the end and everyone loses

-that you must hide in order to win is no longer a way out for a day of freedom, wholeness and peace.

I am bringing this part of my life into a closure, this hiding of self-identity, this masking of emotional weakness, this disguising of stormy weathers with squeezed dimples, because i want to start learning to accommodate myself, so that in time to come i would have a heart big enough to have rooms for one, two, three, four, five, six, sever, eight, nine, ten or more souls.

我的外婆

2008-03-17T21:07:00.001+08:00

一直都在寻找...

一直都不断地在寻找，从开始到现在，一直都找不回从前的自己...

一直很想做回自己，只是，后来才发现，原来自己好像很害怕，面对最真实的自己，因为，我害怕那种被遗弃的感觉..

直到昨天，才明白自己要的，一直以来都没有变..

前几天早上起来的时候，胸口在抽搐，在朦胧之间，仿佛看到了过去跟未来。很多时候，越努力抑制自己的情绪，自己就越陷越深，无法自拔。好几次，都尝试去转换自己的思维，鞭策自己凡事都要往好的方面想，就像你们一样，失败了几次都不要紧，还是继续往前走，还是坚持拼到底。

想起我的外婆。她还差十几年就上百了，但她是我认识的人当中，最不拘小节，最勇于付出的一个。我中二的那年，老师叫我们写作文，题目是影响我最深的人。我写了我跟外婆的故事，得到全班最高分，但我很后悔，因为当初我没有及时表达我对她的感激跟不舍，直到她被赶出黄家的门口…

依稀记得，在文章里我这样写到：外婆，其实更像我的保母。小时候，父母都在忙着赚钱，时常都不在家。洗衣煮饭，为我们冲凉，家里大大小小的家务，我们三姐弟的起居，都是全由外婆一个人担当起来。每天在学校里，虽然都会因为有很多其他小朋友而很快乐，但都会不禁期盼下课钟声的响起，因为，就快可以看到你。每一次，下课以后，我都会冲出课室，努力地跑向我们约好的地点。而每一次，在长长的走廊后，都会看到你慈祥的轮廓，正朝向着我，对我微笑。我都会一直跑呀跑的，经过灰暗色的课室，穿过重重的人群，直到跑到您身边，用我那微小的双手，紧紧地抱住您的大腿，我才安心。而你，总会用力地牵着我的小手，就像怕我走失一样，指引我渡过如虎口的马路，踏上回家的路。

小时候，很容易快乐。每次回到家以后，我跟外婆都会坐在家门口，外婆拔着豆芽，或看着马票，而我，则会躺在外婆的大腿上，等她哄我入睡。她会轻拍着我的背后，然后，用我听得一知半解的方言，哼着她熟悉的曲调，让我安详入睡。她总是那么的任劳任怨，总是那么的细心呵护，为的，就是希望我们能在一个有爱的环境里成长。偶尔，在睡梦中会听到引颈企盼的叮当声，那是冰淇淋叔叔的叫卖声。一有机会，外婆总是会自掏腰包买我们最爱吃的零食，让我们在悠闲的午后，手上捧着冰淇淋，笑眯眯的舔食着我们的最爱。小时候的快乐，就那么简单，不需要很多物质的享受，不需要很多人的认同，不需要什么伟大的梦想，更不需要伪装自己，一支冰淇淋，一包零食，或每天放学后可以跑向外婆抱住她的大腿，就可以快了一整天。外婆的无怨无悔，让我在长大后，学会了拥有一颗赤子之心。

好景不长，我的生命，从出生到现在，每隔一段时间，都需要从新开始。家庭突然发生聚变，或者说，我突然开窍，看懂一切的时候，外婆的大腿与冰淇淋早已离我而去。爸爸说，外婆心怀不轨，可能会放毒药在她煮的食物里，或下降头。我不懂，为什么外婆那么的爱我们，爸爸要这样的怀疑。

在我缤纷的世界里，在我花样年华的天空中，我没有你们那样的彩虹，来掩饰心坎深处的灰暗。我努力地爬出束缚着我的无底洞，我努力地把头往上抬，期许可以从隙缝中窥探到些许的阳光，让自己有前进的动力。我尝试着，我不断尝试着，我很努力地尝试着，我要逃出去，我想要逃，逃离这个我不曾拥有的辉煌，逃离这个不属于我的家园，我想远走高飞，我想展翅翱翔，但，我又可以逃到哪里？

我一直都觉得，会哭的人很幸福。有好几次，我伤心欲绝，我悲痛万分，我都哭不出来。因为，我知道，没有一双手，或一个肩膀，可以抚慰我满目疮痍的心底，所以，没有必要哭，没有勇气哭出来。

有好几次，我都在自己的世界里演练，如果有来世，那我今生一定要做好多好多的善事，把造孽减至最低。

我只想有一个平凡的人生，可以吗？

Overcomers

2008-01-22T00:31:00.001+08:00

It began with a conversation, and it sent waves and waves of ripples through my already troubled minds..

I had to go back to the deepest of my memories, and the darkest of my earthly days. Never mind about the pain because at least i felt real and alive in pain.

I wanted to tell you how much you were going so astray and that i didn't quite know whether i have the power to help you. Surely i won't forget that smirk on your face when i invited you into realising how you could still talk to a living being who had gone through such circumstances. I was utterly embarrassed, really, at that instant judgement you made.

Time and time again i gathered up the courage to re-live the most depressing moments in my life. Because i wanted to get it over, till a point where i could be 100% okay with my own history.

And somebody asked me a few days ago, "Why are you so miserable? Aren't you a Christian who believes in God? If He's really up there, can't you pray and ask Him to remove all your problems, since He's all loving and forgiving?"

I said no, you don't undertand. You didn't try hard enough this time.

Who did?

Too many things have happened since the year started. I couldn't help but keep thinking about what drove me or gave me the power to surmount the hurdles life had placed before me all this while. There were times when i was almost on the verge of giving up, losing a battle and putting myself at the cliff, deciding whether to fall or to climb. Of all the numerous struggling and trying moments i went through, i have always emerged as the overcomer. And this time round, i want to do just the same, to win the match and be an overcomer.

I don't want to give myself up just because someone walked into my life, did some irresponsible things, and walked out of my life. I don't wana lose hope because i deserve a better life after so much. Why would i be fighting so hard all my life just to succumb to one silly mistake that someone has made?

And i learnt. I learnt along the way. I learnt the hard way. There were a thousand times when i didn't believe in miracles and there were also another thousand times when i believed in one. I have learnt what it means to be truly free of past wounds. I realised, the hardest thing is not just about overcoming every obstable that comes in your way but maintaining the positive outlook when seemingly similar recurring tragic incidents put you to believe that you don't deserve a better life. I mean why had all this happened? That i have Brokenness everywhere - Friendship, Relationship, Family, Career etc? That i have bits and pieces here and there that i can't seem to bring them together to complete the picture and feel Whole, for once in my life? Is it something that i have to live with for the rest of my life?

Why? Why God? Why can't You remove all my sufferings and allow me to live happily?

Because God has a vision for us. He wants us to be overcomers. For some who have been reading my blog, you should have realised the change of my belief towards God and all. Remember the story about a depressed man who questioned God about His existence during his trying moments? And he had had a dream about being with God on the beach; that when he looked back on his trail, he could see God's footprints beside his during his peaceful and easy time but he could witness only a set of footprints during his difficult and turbulent period. And God said 'That footprints were mine. Because i was carrying you on my shoulders'.

Yes, now i'm a living testament to His existence because of what i went through when i looked back. You'd want to be made of iron or have a heart of stone if you don't feel touched by His love. I'm going to journal it down, soon, because it's so precious. And God doesn't want to remove all the problems from our lives, because He wants to make us overcomers, and because we would only grow stronger in storms under His guidance.

Of all the storms which have tried to failed me, and of all the thunders which have tried to dampened me, i must have something which i have been holding so steadfastly to my heart to bring me through my difficult times. And it was my wish to build a Home, and to be part of a nice Home in which i can feel Whole, unbroken, intact, and united enough to love and be loved. I'm dreaming of a future moment of exorcising the ghost of my past life, of washing away of years of pain, of torture, of loneliness, of crying oneself to sleep, of begging and praying on bended knee, in the hope that a great day would somehow await me at the end of this long long journey.

Apology

2008-01-06T00:22:00.001+08:00

So it hasn't gone away, for good.

It's still there. It's still making me feeling angry and depressed from time to time. I have been trying to unload and get over it. And Today i felt the need for an apology. Whatever it takes to make you apologize in front of me, i just need one.

It made me think. How long do i need to put it down and start living for myself? I can live well enough on my own but when i see you, everything would just go back to where it used to be. Why? Because it's still an open end.

i need an apology, eventhough it's been so long, long after our paths were first seperated, because i want to close that end.

Because i still want you to be my friend. I've been trying so hard to mend the way for my future, and to heal the wounds from the past. But i'm walking this journey alone, struggling to even balance myself at times, let alone heading to the right direction. It took at least more than two people to create the wounds, and yet i have to face the healing alone. Can you apologize? In front of me? Because i so earnestly want to believe that you're still a being who is willing to learn from mistakes and who goes all out to make up for his wrongbeings. You know you're still hurting me as much as you used to do, because you never make an effort to feel sorry in my presence. And sometimes i would be waken up by tears which have flown down to my cheeks. Because the hurt is still overwhelming for me at times, and i felt like i was losing control of my life, and that my life is in ruins. I have trusted you so much. So so much. And yet you didn't even make an effort to be there for me when things happened.

So tell me. How do i get this over? When i'm still feeling so betrayed and ruined just like the first night when i realised everything was over? You took away my dreams. You broke my trust. You destroyed my life. And for God's sake, how am i ever to move on without an apology? Till now, i still want to believe that you had no choice but to break me. It wasn't intentional. It might be something else that you were dealing with, and you had no choice but to sacrifice me. Whatever it is, i just want to know, do u feel sorry? Do you think you've failed me? Can you say sorry, so that i know you feel sorry and that you're not a jerk?

I really dun wana go away with the mentality that you're a bastard. I mean a bastard who is able to achieve greatness in careers but is still a bastard because you shot dead a person and you ran away. Don't you think you will be held criminal for the rest of your life, because you accidentally knocked over someone into the graveyard but nv say sorry for his family?

Look, i dun want it to come back to haunt me again and again. I want it to stop. I dun want to believe that you're a bad person and everyone who welcomes you is bad. It's very judgemental.

God has freed me. But i wana try to love and care about you in a real way like what God has done for the rest of the World, when he was betrayed by his own people. I'm gonna try. I want to try to have an open heart and love people genuinely. But before that, i need to think about you as a being and not a destroyer.

We can make the world a better living place, starting from You and Me.

Christmas

2007-12-21T22:53:00.001+08:00

It took me this long to understand. To fully grasp the impact. And to want to move on.

This Christmas, i want to do just that, to free myself and to move on. I was at Fullerton. Had dinner with a couple of friends and i was aware that i had to do something different. Something that i should have done last year. Something that i wanted to do so much in the midst of attending parties and wishing the rest of the world a merry Christmas.

I knew i had to do it this Christmas, alone, because of who i am, after So Much.

I really thought it's sweet to receive gifts during this festive season. Gifts which make you feel loved from those you love. Blessings and hugs which make you feel belonged from friends and families. But how strange. When the world was immersed in the commercially-aided mood of exchanging presents and attending parties, i just wanted to be alone, be myself, without any existence of human beings, just me, with God. I just wanted to be uninterrupted, and feel spacious enough receive You into my heart.

I'm special because You made me so.

Happy Birthday, God. There's nothing more i really want for Christmas than You. Thank you so so so much for everything.

It's the best Christmas that i ever had because it's the first Christmas that i can remember being happy. Because i finally allowed myself to get closer, and to get myself into Your House.

It took me this long to understand, to fully grasp the impact and to really want to acknowledge your presence. It's like i have been interacting with You with such close proximity but have remained seperated by invisible walls and insurmountable taboos. So close, yet so far.

I was very exhausted. From dealing with life. My life. I was feeling lethargic to even want to make any sort of committment. I didn't want to feel heavy and burdened all over again because i have to shoulder the responsibilities. For so long i have been living my life to fulfill what other people think are my responsibilities. Being there for my families when there's a crisis. Going back to work because i must keep the promise that i made to my clients. Leading everyone out of the hurt because i'm the eldest son. Taking the role of a father and a mother because there isn't any at home. Making every other decisions at home. Being a driver to fetch siblings when no one else can do the job. Being made to feel worried when nobody is home for dinner. Making sure i was still loving the person whom i wanted to build a future with. I have been made to feel responsible enough to take care of all these that i felt it's my own responsiblities and that it's just right for me to carry them all. And if all these were truly my responsibilities, then who should feel responsible for making me feel deeply loved enough to start making the first step to recovery? Then who should be reponsible for my emotional well-being? Then who should feel responsible enough to lend me a shoulder and a listening ear because i didn't stand up as fast as i would want to?

Nobody. No beings. Not my friends from sec sch and jc. Not my closest friends whom i really hoped they were there. Not anyone from BHUCK. Not anyone from Nustar. Not You whom i loved so much and wanted to build a future with. Not my sister and brother and papa. Nobody felt responsible enough to carry a hurting soul. Nobody walked the miles with me when i was crawling to find a way out to heal my wounds. Nobody chose to feel responsible enough to go all out to rescue me. Nobody.

Except God.

Because of Him i'm still alive. Because of Him i'm still able to see you guys and be forgiving enough to talk to you eventhough i knew you didn't try your best to save me the other time. Because of Him i want to live a life with meaning, purpose and destiny. And because of him i'm learning what it means to love unconditionally, and what it takes to be completely free.

I remembered what Christmas meant. That God loves the world so much that He gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to show us the truths and to forgive our sins. It meant God asked us to love our family, love ourselves, love God, and love people from our heart, in a genuine, humble way. It's something that most of us have the power but always forgotten to do. That there should be more Stopping for people who need love, families, friends or strangers, because that's what we had been empowered to when we were created from God.

And it took me this long to understand, to fully grasp the real purpose behind, and to know that it's a blessing in disguise. That among all the things which i had lost, i gained so much more than what i've been fighting for in schools, competitions and workplaces throughout this entire 19 years. I kept running away. And You kept chasing. I kept getting broken. And You kept keeping me whole. I kept feeling restrained. And You kept freeing me.

And finally, i'm back to You.

It's a Home Sweet Home this Christmas, and everyday from then onwards.

Maybe

2007-12-12T02:16:00.001+08:00

I felt terrible. Because i kept crying and crying today.

I felt upset, and lost, and betrayed whenever i'm back home.

But today i felt more depressed than the last time. Much more. So much more that i felt painful, and scared, inside.

Maybe i will give up. Maybe you won't see me again.

And maybe i won't have to feel so guilty, afraid, threatened, useless, and ruined all over again.

Maybe..

KL Trip

2007-11-28T00:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we cry for no reason, and sometimes we do for every reason. Thank you B. Thanks for stopping. Thanks for choosing to stop and talk to me, in a real way. And thank you for letting me cry in front of you, under the bright sunlight, without asking me to explain everything, explain everything and explain everything. It's so tiring to have to explain everything. I wasn't sad at all but my tears just ran down. I cried not because your words echoed what i was feeling. Rather, i was genuinely touched by your effort to stop and spend 10 min of your life to bring comfort to me.

I drove to KL alone. Not that it's a Big thing to drive up alone but it was my first time on the highway since i got my license and i was not familiar with KL at all. I chose to drive up, alone, because i thought i was responsible enough to take care of my life. I knew i had to face it alone - the struggles, the people, the lost dreams, and the places. Kuala Lumpur. A name so familiar that it hurts. A place where i started out. Started to really want to have Something in my life and live my dreams up. A place where it ended and then i was trapped. I would have chosen not to go KL if i have known it's a Blackhole that would suck me in. But i chose to go. I had a choice and i chose to come near the Blackhole. And i did so so righteously, so determined. It was so Me. So irrational, so stubborn, so rash.

I paid the price for that. A heavy price.

I was on the corridor of that Building, and memories kept flashing back. I didn't want to hide because i could remember how i was so brave to receive the Brokenness. I just sat there, thinking and thinking, for a long long time. I didn't want to leave. It's like i was trying to save whatever that was left behind. That instant when He called and i could only hear crying. I hate to receive that kind of calls. I hate to know it's my Father crying on the other side. I hate Crying Father, because there wasn't a time when you took up the courage to be a real Father. You merely knew how to put Love into words, and expected us to return in actions. You never bother to find out what's going on deep inside us. You only knew theories, and dramas, and actings. You only wanted to instill a sense of guilt in us to repay your so-called 'kindness'. You only wanted to show how aged and how vulnerable you are and how we should repay you. You just wanted us to be grateful of this Home that you brought to us, unconditionally.

I've had enough of these. Enough.

That night, i was so shocked, so scared inside that i din dare to cry. On the journey back, i kept telling myself to be brave, more forgiving, because people were going to say hurtful thing when they din really mean it. I told myself to stand strong and be more accepting. I did just that. There was no a single tear shed when i reached home. I heard crying, crying and crying. I didn't see Mummy. And i thought this's it. She was Dead. And Dead people won't come to you and say goodbye before they died.

Did anybody know How much i looked stronger on the outside was showing how much i was hurting inside.

It's nearly lunchtime. People were rushing in and out. I was still sitting there, trying to recollect myself, trying to Remember, so that the memory won't be so hurting and haunt me as much as it did. And i found out later that you can't let go by forgetting. You let go by remembering.

I was talking to myself, again, on the ground which caused me a lot of hurt. I realised that sometimes, you need to grieve in different places, in front of different people, in order to become stronger. Sometimes, you need to try as hard to be truthful to yourself to let your own emotions run as you wish to get out of what's trapping you.

I thought about the Funeral, the people who came and those who didn't. For those who did show up, thanks for taking actions to show your care. For those who wanted to come but din manage to, somehow, thanks for your words and encouragements. For those who didn't, be grateful to yourself for having the breath to give whatever excuses to make yourself feel better. Looking back, i wasn't really upset about losing someone whom had raised me up. No, not as upset when compared to the realisation that i was losing the Future that i so longed for. I was extremely upset and angry because you Chose to stay away just when i needed you the most. You had a choice and you chose not to be there. How sad. How broken i was when i knew this. I wanted to give you a Slap and beat you up but somehow i din. Perhaps, i was consciously trying not to become like my Father. I was aware that i would be like him when i did that.

So much for the flowers, shared goals, common dreams, hugs and kisses. You din mean it when you said you wanted to build a future with me. You chose to say things which you din mean , and i chose to believe you. How naive. You chose to stay away when you could have helped me to get out of that Blackness. How silly.

And i'm going away with the conviction that Actions Speak Louder than Words. I would rather receive a hug than a $50 dollars note. I would rather to be comforted than to receive flowers. I believe in showing Love and Care in a real way, in actions, in a more time-consuming way, not at the back, behind the scence, hidden, only to be found out from someone else later. So much for the time freedom that we are all going after. If you really care, take not money or words but your time out. There is no point caring at the back. No point doing things behind the scene. No point being so humble about your love till you don't show it in front of those whom you love.

I think everyone is afraid, afraid of giving love whole-heartedly. Because of the fear of disappointment. Because love comes with expectations, commitments and responsibilities. It's heavy, and it becomes a burden that slows you down when you don't take things in the right way. Perhaps, very few people are wise enough to know that it's in the act of feeding a starving child which really pours out your love and not one of making donations, giving money, buying flowers, and sending aids.

I was a bit disappointed. Just a little, at how i was being treated during my short trip to KL. You said you care. Everyone was telling me everyone cares. But only B was willing to connect to me. I was grateful to receive that pat from M and to have C sharing photos taken in Korea with me. But you. You din even make time for me. We met and i was waiting for you to start a conversation. You din. I was sitting there. I waited for you not to just smile at me but speak to me. I gave you chances. I made time out for you. And you chose to be silent. You are leaders. You never ran out of words when speaking in front of a thousand people but you chose to be silent in front of me. You could speak confidently with strangers and yet you din even make a sound with someone whom someone else claimed you truly care. Perhaps you din see the point to stop by when i am not capable of helping you to make you a millionaire. So that's how you care. And that's how our relationship worked. We din have a foundation to lean on, even if there was, it wasn't that strong. We were just colleagues, maybe. And colleagues only help each other at work, not in life. Maybe you will start showing more care, in a real way, only if i'm back to your team. Maybe that's not who you are but your actions only show this aspect of you. I mean, why didn't you choose to care at the frontline, in my presence, if you truly care? Maybe you are afraid. Just afraid of showing true concern to someone whom you only get acquinted at work. Maybe you are used to giving love at the back, behind the scene, donating meals for the African children, helping people to make real their dreams, and teaching people how to be an altruistic person just because it will help in your career anyway. Maybe you don't understand what true care is all about.

And i hope one day, you will understand what Love and Care is all about. It's about putting yourself on the line, being daring to take the risks, and being there for someone whom you truly love and care enough to make time for. It's never hidden, never so secretly, never so secluded. Never that.

I drove home the following evening because i felt out of place. Everybody seems to be getting there. BD. TE. Vietnam Trip. Ruby. Leaders. And yet out of the so many souls there, nobody chose to speak to me in a real way. It's like an empty shell. Full of joyful people. People with dreams, achievements, status and niche. People with overly positive attitude. People who don't know how to show Care and Concern in a real way.

And then it's supposedly Home Sweet Home.

How i wished it's really that.

Learning

2007-11-23T15:04:00.000+08:00

Today. I'm going to learn something new. Something Big. Something only a brave person can do.

And may i be fruitful in my journey of searching for You.

Wish me a safe and adventurous trip :)

Strength to Live

2007-11-22T16:19:00.000+08:00

I went to church on Sun. It was good being in the House of God again. Yes, again, after so long. The topic was 'He who remembers'. And this called out to my memory of someone, from my previous church, being a run-away kid and a problematic person, sharing his story about God. I remember that almost on my knees, i cried on hearing his story, because i was so touched by the courage that God has bestowed onto him to open up and tell us his life. And to do just that, talking to a Housefull of people, you need more than your inner strength.

He is the one who remembers.

Going back to church was one of my decisions i made. Because i wanted to find out what went wrong in my life that moved me away from God, and most importantly, why i could not feel His presence during my turbulent time whereas everyone else said He was there. So for the 2nd time in my life, i started a journey in search of God.

On my way back, i was just thinking - Who carried me through during the past few months. When i didn't see i was ever going to make it, who was there to ease my pain, even if it's just a little. When there wasn't any beings around to help, who gave me the courage to turn in everynight and wake up every morning. Who provided me with the inner strength to hold my tears when i rushed back just in time to decide on the Funeral. Who has made me want to get out of depression and dug out my inner desire to have a better life. Who was there to decide for me to leave the Blackness of my life and start making effort to get back to normality. Who made me want to talk to people again when most of them have failed me? Where did the wish for forgiveness come from?

And on Sun, i thought i knew a little more about who i want to be, and a little more about Love.

When i got home, i cried. Because i saw the ends for myself. I saw in reality what i'd always wanted to achieve in my life. I saw that holding hands. I saw that Humour. And i saw that Love that was mutual, coming from both ways, from hearts and from Above. I saw they are going to grow old together, and make it there one day.

Memories just kept flashing back. Of the time when i felt the urge to tell my Story but didn't because no one was willing to Stop and Listen. Of the split second when i decided to be strong and be there for my Family and Relatives eventhough i was feeling terribly wrong inside. Of the moments when i sent out so many SOS signals but none of them came to rescue. Of that afternoon when i first saw a dead body with fingers turning purple and a face so crooked that i felt out of place looking at someone whom i wished i could have loved more and spent more time with. And of the days when i was convincing myself not to commit suicide or run away when i couldn't even see the reason to live.

I knew i didn't have that kind of audacity to hold that. My heart wasn't that big to contain all these Blackness in my life. Who was there?

Because i couldn't see You, anyone at all. It was like a Black hole where i was being sucked in. I mean, What if i decided to quit? What if i gave up?

Would anybody do anything else at all beside coming to my funeral and cry in front of me because i died young?

Would you even Stop and Ask yourself why you didn't choose to Be There?

Would it change the Way you think about Love?

Would you Choose to make a difference the next time you see someone heading to the graveyard?

Would you realise that one day you would lose someone whom you love deeply, and hope that someone could Be There?

Would it appear to be ironic to you as you go all out to share with everyone the spirit of volunteerism or to save one of the starving African children when you didn't or couldn't even save your friends?

Would you still wait till you have the Time and Money before you help?

Would you even regret of not being there when all you might lose is your job but someone out there risks losing his life just because Help and Love gets to him too late?

I thought about all these when i was coming to a decision to live or Not. As far as i know, people would still be ignorant, eventhough sometimes they care, because they are just caring for the sake of caring. They are caring only when it's at their convenience. It is never from the heart. It's their minds which are at work. Hearts can touch, but never the Minds. And most people care because they would feel bad if they do otherwise. It's never that. True Care is never that. When you truly care, it's putting the other person's best interests first over your own feelings.

That's why i chose to live. Because i didn't want to be like that. And because i was not convinced that people would change anyhow, i had to make real what i believe in. I didn't want to Care and Love only because that will get me somewhere. I didn't want to do that just because there's a need to. I want to experience love, be it giving or given, with no conditions. It's about daring to put ourselves on the line, even if we might risk losing something.

I felt more relaxed having come to that decision. A few days ago, one of my friends, or should i say, acquintance, tempted me to try drugs. Drugs. Not smoking and not anything else but Drugs, which could end you up with life sentence. For a moment, i thought of trying. Maybe i should just try for once and for all. I felt i was almost coming to a relapse, of going back to where it all started. But i remembered. I remembered my Mum would be really mad to see me doing this. And the Lord doesn't like that too. So with ease, i rejected my friend.

See. It's all about the Decision. To stay away and to live.

The decision

2007-11-15T16:37:00.000+08:00

I always used to have a vision in mind, of me, trying to draw pictures about who i want to be and who i'm becoming. It was like standing at a crossroad, making a choice, coming to a decision, but not knowing the complications of what each route leads to.

It was a grey area. And for so long, my world has been surrounded by unaccomplished goals, lost dreams, self-despair, anguish, guilt, and suicidal depression.

I remember a few days ago, out of frustration of not doing anything to create impacts in this world, i shifted myself to a junction. A crossroad. A middle ground where i could un-grey my world.

Sometimes, people shape the way you think, especially those closest to you. Sometimes, some people can't even see the way out for themselves to provide the right guidance for you. It's like lighthouses. How could they possibly lead you in a right way when they themselves are not glowing? i think it's about choices, to choose who you want to be with, and from whom you can learn stuff in a right way.

Strangely, i'm upset when i'm talking abt someone who should be bringing love and happiness to me. Is it true that you get hurt the most by those whom you love the most? I'm still trying to juggle that. Balancing act. Because for so long i've been fighting to strike a solitude between negativity at home and positivity that i thought ought to be displayed in a humane world. For 19 years, I have been taught to pick on people's weaknesses, and judge them. It's those small little things, which build up and create an impact on me.

I can still remember when i was abt 8, i was constantly warned of maintaining a distance with one of my teachers. Protection. In the name of self-protection i was reminded to stay away from that teacher who had been teaching me more than what's required. Why? Because everybody out there is bad. Only your Family is nice. Sexual Abuse, Kidnap, Conflicts of interest, Back-stabbing etc. For at least 10 years i had been educated to create a barrier. To draw a line between my own ground and others'. I had been told not to get close. Just watch. Watch with your eyes that everyone is bad and they would take advantage of you if u stay close enough. Only your Family can be trusted. It's a the only place where you can find love and care. It's your place. You've got to stay connected because the world is bad.

Irony.

Because i never feel loved enough to contain the hurt that i received from home.

And when i'm writing this entry, i received a call from home. Another incident. Another hurt. Another casualty. It hurts a little when i know about how people suffer while clinging onto the belief that He would get better. Because it reminds me of how i used to be so naive and persistent, holding fast to the conviction that one day, He would somehow, anyhow, change. And i could not help but lived in denial and isolated from the rest of the world becuz i'm just as lost as those who were concerned but did not know how to show it. It's because the hardest thing to accept, is to know that many do try to understand, but when they know a little more, they think they understood 100% of it and yet in reality, they don't. And that makes me feel out of place.

I wana move on. Yes a part of his DNA is in me, but so what? If somebody hurts you enough to make you want to jump off a building, would you go back and pretend nothing has happened? And someone told me that it's just a process. A process of loving, even mandatory if u want to grow stronger and wiser. No. We can have conflicts and quarrels. We can argue and hold different opinions. But NEVER a hurt so strong to make you want to jump off a building. Never a hurt to have such an impact to cause depression. Never. Never that.

And when you can't cope with that frustration of being affected daily to the extent that you're paralysed to do anything constructive at all, you stay away.

I think it's about choice. Choosing not to be bound by hurt. Choosing to move away from that place. Choosing who to be responsible for. Choosing to stay away.

Sometimes we've gotta take time off and stop, just for a moment, do yourself a favour - love yourself. Make that decision that is important for you. Do not be afraid. It's risky, i know, because the world will look at you in a different way, and you might feel out of place, but go for it, if you think it fits into your heart.

When you want to know God, and you have no friends inviting you to their churches, google search and attend one. When you see old women picking up used cans and looked really pathetic, go up to them and ask whether they've eaten their lunch. When you see a wheel-chair bound uncle trying to get into a train packed with commuters, be kind and wait for the next one because if you two are rushing to somewhere, you have legs to run. When you know of an acquitance dealing with emotional burden, take the initiative and be generous of your shoulders and hugs.

Tiny things. Small things. But they make a great difference. You need courage to do just that. Because people are watching. Because the world we live in is so grey that positivity is taboo. You've got to be sure of yourself. Because people would think you're an attention-seeker and you're not sincere. But really, just live it up. Just do it. It's okay when you face rejections and when people judge you. It's really okay. Because you've made an impact, you've decided to stop for others, and most important of all, you're doing yourself a favour by being truthful to yourself and not containing that compassion and love that's in you. You're not holding back. You're being yourself, and you're a better person from that.

There's always a point to start and a decision to be made.

Be brave. Don't be stingy about your hugs.

A tiny step for others might be a giant leap for you. You know yourself best. So dun judge.

Help.

2007-11-10T02:09:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to be comfortable with myself, comfortable with the experiences that i've been through, comfortable with my life stories. I can carry on from here.

When i made the choice of seeing a counselor, i knew i needed help, or at least, i wanted to stop feeling inadequate. Before i came to that decision, i was still hoping that someone, or even some strangers would stop for a while and listen. I had so much to share, about my life. I longed for a listening ear. No one did just that. Not that anyone owes me anything. I thought it was just humane to do that.

I took an atypical route of recovery because i took the initiate and asked for it. I did it because i just wanted the whole thing to end and something deeper was calling for a U-turn. You know it's until very recently that i'm OKAY with talking to people. Why? Because it was just tough. I was suffering from depression and no one was there, or should i say, no one had the right experience to help. People suffering from this illness will never believe you when you tell them things are getting alright because depression itself isn't! I didn't believe. When everyone told me it's time to get back to work and stuff, i didn't want to do that. All of you tried to make me talk, make me feel loved, but i never did. I denied it not because i wanted to, but because i genuinely didn't believe i could ever make it through. Everyday it hurts. Everyday. No one understood. I didn't either.

I strongly believe that no one should go through helplessness of that magnitude ever in their life. Don't you think so? Everyone of us, every single one of us living in this world deserves a better life. When we are born into this world, the decisions have been made for us. We just have to realise that inner compassion in the real world. Why were the whole world shaken when tsunami struck? Why so many people stood up against terrorism after 911? Why would the brutal military rule in Myanmar be exposed so much to the rest of the world after a Japanese reporter was shot down during the riot suppress? Why would aid be at the priority list of UN agenda if not for the fact that millions of children are dying due to starvation or malnutrition? Why? why? why? because we all deserve to lead a better life. And there's no need to compare one's suffering with the other because everyone is dealing with their own challenges.

Help should be everywhere. Hands should be everywhere. People are everywhere but hugs and shoulders are seldom selflessly everywhere. So how do you help?

Be there, that's all. Be there. Tell them straight off their faces that you're there. Don't sms or use internat chat. Call the person up and tell them you care and you're there, and stop judging, stop giving your advice, stop telling them how things should be done, stop the condemning, guilt-inducing and threatening. This is not an easy journey. Depression or any kind of illness is not a result of overnight loss or whatsoever. It must have been happening for long to create that impact, and it slowly builds up a protection wall that isolates them from the 'normal' world. And if you really care for and love them, be it someone slipping into it, suffering, recovering or recovered, then be patient. Be very patient. Find out what's happening. Find out what your friends are going through. Try. You've gotta keep trying and trying and trying and not giving up until they open up to you. Try. Try to understand and don't pretend to. Don't get fed up or disappointed because for so long they have been struggling with themselves. They are fed up and disappointed with themselves and that's why they need your help. If you really do care, and really want to help, go with them to seek professional help. Drag them to one because the hurt is beyond the threshold. But be there.

If you really want to help, truly, you have to be prepared to spend a precious journey of your life creating an impact on your friends.

Everyone needs a turning point. If you know someone is suffering and you want to help, please do. And if you're the one suffering, know that healing is possible. It's very tough, i know, and it may seem far away, and almost not worth the try, but it is. I'm here. I had gone through hell and now i'm still alive, thinking positively, and trying to restart all over again. So please, do try, get help.

There are new things for me to learn everyday. It isn't simple reformatting your mindset and shaping that as you go along. Now i'm still searching for a new place to start everything all over again. There's still a journey for me. But it would be good when you see me next time, you could give me a hug and tell me how brave i am. That's all..

Struggle

2007-10-26T00:18:00.000+08:00

I have been going through a lot of internal struggles recently. But the intensity is gradually wearing off, i hope. Nonetheless, i am still trying my very best to cope. One of my counsellors once told me that healing has to take place in the presence of those who caused the hurt. Yes i believe so. It's just that i don't have the luxury of that happening in my life. So how am i going to get recovered? i really duno.

Well i weighed the consequences. I evaluated on my past doings and attitude. But still i think i'm a nice person. haha. And i seriously don't think i'm bad-tempered or i hav a low EQ. If you put yourself in my shoes, what would you do given the intensity and magnitude of that sort of SHIT that i went through? Would you still believe that things are going to be fine in the future?

During this grieving and healing period, i have been coming to terms with the fact that some people just don't understand why i can't pick myself up. Well can't you see that? That by making an effort to meet some friends, talk to people and even start doing things i love, i'm slowly grabbing the momentum of living all over again. The slightest step in your eyes is my hardest effort ever. Can't you see that? These tiny little stuff may seem trivial to you, but i'm using a whole lot of courage and determination just to even move myself forward a single step.

And some people just can't accept that i don't have goals and dreams, at least for now. They kept asking what my plans are and what are my wants and goals in life. I really couldn't answer that. i'm not lying. And it really hurts when i saw my friends withdrawing themselves and moving away from me just because i dun hav a plan for my life. I mean, why can't you guys be more understanding? i know you care enough to talk to me, and i care enough too to make the effort to meet you guys. But i need more time. i dun hav a long-term plan and a dream in mind. Can't you guys be more patient and be there when i screw things up? That's a plea, without obligation of course, cuz i've gone through much worse than this.

Erm.. i wana write this : When i woke up this morning at abt 7am, i felt a sudden surge of enormous pain rushing through my left chest. I thought someone was stabbing me. Really. I was so freaked out. I thought i was going to die becuz i felt my heart was going weaker and weaker from the throbbing pain. But when i looked around, there was no one. And i moved my hand across my chest, i could feel no wound. After a few seconds did i realise that the wound was internal. It was my heart aching from the inside. Heartache.

Have you experienced that before? I never wish anyone would need to go through that at all. It was unbearable. I know i'm wounded. I have a scar at the deepest corner of my heart. It won't go away. No matter how hard i try or how many days i have remained unshattered physically, the scar is and will still be there. That's something that i've acknowledged. And i have to admit that when scratched, the wound will bleed and i will have to seal the wounds all over again. But i know one day, the wound will have enough clotting factors so much so that when scratched, it is capable of sealing itself up without causing me a lot of pain. Those wounds and scars, they make me who i am today. And i just wana be myself. I'm vulnerable, yes, but i learn from lessons. I know i don't wana go back to my past where i cared too much that my well-beings were affected by my dad's mood and words, and that i was ignorant as to whether or not i was compromising my beliefs and myself to build a relationship, that, in my opinion, was meaningful. No, my past is not going to haunt me again. But the next time you see me in a bad mood, do lend me a listening ear.

p/s : hope i will never sprain my ankle again. Or else, i will have to crawl for the rest of my life.

纪念

2007-10-19T12:43:00.000+08:00

今天，我想纪念一个人…

其实很久之前，就想把这个故事写下来，只是，这故事的完结，是另一波涟漪的开始。我的生命，宛如一波未平，一波又起。

我羡慕有家的人。或者说，我羡慕有“人”的家。一次又一次，我听着别人的故事，故事里的主人翁后来都变成了一家人。我把这些动人的故事，埋藏在我心坎深处，下次摊开的时候，再唱一首《关怀方式》，让自己感动久久。

跟你在一起，我学会了很多很多，关于自己在乎的，所想要的，渴望的…

你知道吗，当初决定跟你一起走，其实，我内心非常害怕，怕自己越陷越深，无法自拔，怕我佩不上你。因为，我想要过的人生，离我真得很远。

从前，对我来说，爱的世界里，只有快乐。爱，不就那么简单吗？两个人彼此喜欢对方，就可以一起跨越生命中的每一道障碍。爱，不就是有路一起走，有苦一起扛，有乐一起享，有梦一起织吗？再平凡也轰烈，再穷也满足，枪林弹雨，山穷水尽，有了爱，我都可以走。

原来，我们平行起跑，却往不同的方向奔去。

还记得，那一次，你的人生到达新的里程碑，全世界都在为你欢呼。我躲在角落看着你，自信的眼神，迷人的笑容，然后对自己说，我们的家，有了你，真的什么都不重要。我真的愿意做你成功背后的男人。那一次，是我第一次为一个人感到骄傲。

有一个夜晚，我努力地克制自己恐惧的心情，开车送你到车站。那一次，是我考到驾照以来，第一次在高速公路上行驶。

到后来，我们一直争吵。我一直问自己，要怎样挽回这摇摇欲坠的爱情。你却说，跟我在一起，浪费了你很多时间，让你睡眠不足。我听进去，仿佛回到了小时候，早晨醒来听到爸爸跟妈妈吵架和哭泣的那一瞬间，原来，爱的世界里，有更多的悲伤与裂痕，原来，我的梦，枷锁了你，绑住了你，让你失去了自由，原来，我的爱，没能让你飞得更高，更远。

我要的，很多吗？我只想要有个人跟我一起走，陪我面对每一天的挑战，带我走出阴霾的世界。你知道吗，你让我明白，我这样的一条烂命，也还能去付出，去爱别人。我要的，只是一个我不必掩饰自己的家，我要的，只是一个我可以不需要提起很大的勇气才能回的家。

原来，我想要家的梦，不能有其他梦鼓手。

因为，我不想独自承受那样的重量，在这样迷惘的世界里，找寻另一个踪迹。

刚开始，我很不服，为什么你说要跟我生活一辈子，却没有时间把这个感情经营起来。你说我让你的步伐停滞不前，到底我做错了什么？到最后，我跪在你面前求你，求你不要走，求你不要靠近了又离开，千万不可以，因为，我输不起。就像小时候，我跪在观音娘娘面前，爸爸拼命的用藤鞭或铁尺往我身上抽，我竭斯底里地在内心呐喊，请求观音结束我的生命，我很痛苦，他们把我生出来，又用枪射我。我承受不了。

我一心一意地想要跟你编织一个家，你却说我在消耗你有限的生命，这是我今生最大的耻辱。

爱到了这种地步，还有什么可以延续它？

直到最近，经历了这么多，才明白一切。也许，我的梦，太沉重了，要你跟我一起背着，真的辛苦了你。我的从前，现在跟未来，应该给了你很大的压力，让你裹足不前。我的爱，捆住了你，窒息了你，让你无法在天空中翱翔。对不起，真的很对不起。是我不好，当初，怎么会去相信我也可以成为故事的主人翁，托你下水。是我连累了你，我应该比谁都清楚我的世界只有灰色，没有彩虹。对不起…

有时候，还是会去妄想，如果我是一个平常人，那该有多好，我可以跟你一起生活下去，因为，依然真的喜欢你。

我要的，只是一间屋子，跟你。

现在的我，不像从前一样，常去妄想。因为我知道，我生命里有的只有这么多，一个没有梦的人生能走的也只有那么远，不敢奢求什么，只想诚心地祝福你，能找到你所要的幸福。

然后…

执子之手，与子携老。

嗯，一定会有那么一天。

坚强

2007-10-18T18:50:00.000+08:00

这一堂课
我们学坚强

人云
坚强亦跌倒后爬起来
我云
坚强亦在地狱呼吸着

记起儿时
您的温度
能舒缓我忐忑不安的心情
您的双手
足以拖着我的天真
迈向成长

忆起年少
您的笑容
是我每天的憧憬
您得慈祥
是我生命的泉源

想起懂事后
您的严格
像是隐性的任务
鞭撤我向上向善饮水思源
您的教诲
充满了期盼与等待
有一天从康庄大道上
我成就归来
有一天从污秽社群中
我淤泥而不染

我的使命
召不回您的温柔和祝福
我的眼泪
唤不回我们要快乐的梦

妈妈好久没见到您却再也无法看到您了

学会
抑制快要夺眶而出的泪水
用微笑掩饰内心的伤痕
以宽容的心看待自己的寂寞

您的怀抱
已离我而去
我的路程
没有您的扶持
我们的爱
只得拚命回顾
我们的梦
不用再被呵护着

我还是我
只是对生活对情感对自己已失去了颜色
就像
您还是您
只是没有了活力与知觉
您上路了
摆脱了
不挣扎了
不再悲伤了
为什么你没有把我也带走
留下我的躯壳
独自承担没有未来的未来
我不远走高飞了
我不犹豫不决了
我不争了
我准备好了
明天
和明天后的每一天
我会习惯这样的生活
在那灰暗的城市里
拼命地
一口一口
每分每秒
地
呼吸着

The fight

2007-10-17T17:36:00.000+08:00

I'm eagerly waiting and preparing for the next blow in my life. November. It's approaching. I need to find a place, probably one that can only be reached by planes, to hide. Maybe i will play hide and seek. Maybe i will go missing for that just one week. I'm not going to skii. I'm not going to buy winter clothes. My efforts from the past few months just became ashes, or dust, wadever you wish to name them. It's alright. I'm okay with that. I've achknowledged that fact that my life is doomed, and good things won't happen in my life. That's it. Thank you for the company to remind me of that. The SAME-OLD-STORY. I'm good for nothing. But how am i going to tell my dad and uncles and aunts and sis and bro that i'm not quite capable of taking the flight there? I mean they don't understand. They never try to. Hmmm.. I'm still thinking of a solution. Anyone has one??

Erm i know some people hate to hear this but i have to say it. I could go to KL or stay at sg to work there and all. But it's a different story now. I don't have a fighting spirit. I dun wana fight for anything at all anymore. In order to excel in this biz, you need to fight for your mentors' time, and I can't do that anymore. You need to fight to secure a function or a place at a function, neither can i do that anymore. It was when Christine called that i realised this change in me. She said i must fight for that place in Korea, and i just felt like putting down the phone. No point fighting for something that i will never get. So how am i going to continue this biz, when i dun even have the urge to fight?

In life most people spend time fighting for things they want. Love, money, status, opportunities, etc. It's such a scene to see all of your friends and people around you fighting. They have goals and dreams. They have hopes and purposes in life. In one way or another, it's good. Good for them and good for me to watch them fighting. It reminds me of my past, when i believed i could fight and win. Badminton. Nustar. Home. School. Exams. Going overseas.

Yesterday before i turned in, i wanted to experience something different. Maybe somebody was there when all those nasty things happened. I prayed. I asked God to show up. If you were with me and are still there, please show up. If you're a loving God, pls show your love to me. Pls make me feel you love is with me. If i wasn't alone facing all these, and that it was a miracle by you of me surviving this battle, pls show me you're there. No one showed up. Noone said anything. Before i knew, i was asleep. And for one moment, like the rest of the things that i fought for in my life, i thought i was just fighting for something that i will never get. It's all just too good to be true in my life.

I was coming to deal with this. I asked for Him and He was not there. Hmmm and everyone around me seems to strongly disagree of my belief of his absence. I don't know. Maybe He was there for you guys when you needed Him the most. Maybe you are good people. Maybe you don't go around screwing other people's lives up. That explains, right? Because i'm not worthy of His love, and anyone's at all. Maybe He forgot me. I mean sometimes people do forget they are hurting you and then one month later, they come back to you and say sorry, yea? Maybe His love is too good to be true. Maybe He doesn't talk to people who don't speak to his dad for 1 month? Yup i think so.

For all my life i've been fighting for stuff which are nv meant to be mine. Fighting, fighting and fighting. Fighting to swim against the tides. Fighting to disregard negativity so that i can be a normal person. Fighting to gain that love that i so longed for. Fighting with myself to feel and say sorry for something which was not my fault. Fighting to run away from circumstances. Fighting to prove to everyone else what i'm made up of. Fighting to accept my fucked up life. Fighting to regain consciousness when i was stabbed in the heart. Fighting to breathe when i din even feel like being alive. Fighting for a home. Fighting for the time of someone whom i wana spend my life with. Fighting to fight to gain everything that i thought was worthwhile in my life. And now, i've stopped fighting. Everything ended there.

On the bright side, I can see that i'm gaining control of my life. That's a good thing. Because i have accepted my life, knowing too well that good things don't happen in my life, I'm able to walk out of any circumstance much faster. I'm just happy at that. At least i dun hav to go back to where i was, you know, hoping that some Superman or beings would come and rescue me when i was sentenced. Haha Yeah. And now i'm trying to deal with heartaches. One step at a time.

And i must say this. Mrs Quek, really thanks a lot. Meeting you during this difficult period was the most rewarding decision that i made. Really. Somehow, you made me feel complete. You made me feel that it's okay to take time off to grieve, knowing well that sometimes when you're really upset, the rest of your normal functions will be affected. Thanks for having a session with me. You may not be the one who understands everything, but at least you have time to listen to me. I mean you don't have to, right? You could charge me for the session and all or refuse to see such a 'negative' problematic kid, but you didn't do all that. I'm really grateful.

Hopeless

2007-10-12T22:40:00.000+08:00

I duno how to start with this entry. Because for so long ( at least it seems like ), i have been trying to live my life, pick myself up, thinking about my next step, pondering how i would be able to make it through without even the slightest hopes. I tried. And nothing helps. I feel out of place in every circumstance. I feel every step is a gigantic burden on my shoulder. I feel like crying all the time but no tears came out. I feel i should just drift and fade away.

I am a person without hopes. I'm hopeless. And life has no meaning to me now. I used to think that stuff like cigarattes, drugs, etc are bad. They destroy lives. They make you a filthy being. When i open my eyes every morning, i duno what i need to do for the day. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to carry me through every single night. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like meeting any of my friends. I don't feel like talking and taking meals at times. I don't feel like being awake and alive. Sometimes when i'm walking, and i don't know where i'm heading to. I forgot why i'm walking and where i'm going. Okay tell u the truth. I just feel like smoking, doing drugs, having sex all the time. At least they are more stimulating, and that they remind me that i'm still living and i can still feel high in life.

I used to think that perhaps i didn't want to eliminate hopes from people about me. Me getting back to normal life and stuff. I could dress nicely, gel my hair up before meeting people. And in that way, maybe they would think i'm okay, adjusting and moving on. But there's a contradiction. I dun want to give people false hopes. That i could look smart and well from the outside but in actual facts i'm shaking inside. I feel bad doing that. Because i have no hopes. There's no point hiding that what i'm feeling inside. It will not get better.

So tell me how to live a life without hopes and purposes. How do you ever take a step forward when you don't see a point making the effort? How do you open up to someone when all your life you have been controlled, monitored and imprisoned? Where do you take the courage to go for work when you don't feel like getting yourself out of the bed every morning? Would you talk to people if conversations just make you more aware of your own inadequacy and incapability to achieve simple stuff? Would you even bother to explain to anyone what's happening to you when all they care for is you getting back to work?

If you have the answers, do let me know

That's me

2007-10-08T23:24:00.000+08:00

8.10.07 - so he reminded that we have not been talking for weeks. I don't see anything wrong with that, if staying in this state is not giving me extra burdens and not going to break me. Sometimes my relatives asked if i'm ever going back to work. Yes, maybe. They asked if taking such a long break will affect my biz that i have built up. I uttered erm. They asked if staying 'offline' for so long is going to help. It's pretty hard to answer that one. Yes, i would think so. There are so many things that i wished i could find a way to explain to them and my friends.

In the past, my mum would ask me to spend more time with family. Yes, mum, i would like to, but i have dreams.And everytime i come home, she would keep asking how well my biz has set off, and how life was treating me in the workplace. Everytime, i would walk away. I would change subjects. I would do anything just to skip her questions about my work. Because i didn't want her to get worried. She would infer that my ignorance has something to do with negativity in my career. Erm, yes and no.It's me myself who had decided to defer my overseas school life that i have so longed for.So i didn't want to sound weak to her. I didn't want her to look at me with eyes showing her victory that i have finally regretted on my decision. Basically, i din want to look at her at all becuz she knows me. She knows i have a dream to set her free, but still insisted on spending more time with family. She wants to see me in that dark blue suit and a squarish cap with a degree. She wants to see me getting out of the college.

Mum, how could i tell you these? That i had my own share of problems at work. Me and my colleagues argued. And i ran away to Penang. I slept on the street... Mum pardon me, but how could i bear to tell you my suffers when you're actually living in hell??

Mum, there are things that i want you to understand. I never got the courage to tell you. Because i'm your son, and i want your acceptance so desperately. Pardon me for being ignorant. Really. It's not that i din care what's happening at home. I know all of you, mum, sis and bro went through hell at home. I didn't care. When things happened, i just ran away. I couldn't save you all. Mum, you know what. I was still hoping that one day, when i am a SOMEBODY, things might get better, and he would change. Maybe he would be proud of me, and treat you like a being, because you bore me. And i couldn't save myself. Everyday, every single day when i was away, i got the strength to face life from hoping. And because i had relied totally on what i hoped would happen, i scared people away. They felt burdened being with me. They felt pressured to even share life with me. Mum, all my hopes and dreams, they required the participation of other people. Going to Maldives with the person i love - it requires me to find and maintain a productive relationship. Building a home for you - it must have your presence and contribution. And mum, a few weeks before you're gone, i lost the first dream. After you passed away, i had lost everything in my life. I can never never go home.

Mum, without you, i tried being strong. And it wore me off. I'm left with nothing but sheer tiredness. I'm living like a zombie. I don't know where i'm heading to, what to look forward to, what more i could achieve in life without a dream. Everyday i'm just playing jig-saw, trying to piece back scattered, disjointed aspects of life together. Sometimes, i gave up. There's no point salvaging what seems like a wrecked World Trade Centre after 911. At times, i tried to take charge of my emotions. I told myself i just have to be more patient. When life is in such havoc, you either break or take in breathe minute by minute.

Mum, i'm no longer driven. I've lost all the colours and passions in life. I hope you can accept that. That's me. Sometimes the wounds hurt so much that i wish i could have replaced you to receive the crash from the speeding motorbike that bang onto you. And that's me. When you had cancer earlier on, i spent every night praying and crying to God that i was willing to swap with you. You take my healthy soul. I go through chemo for you. And that's me.

Sometimes i can't hold it anymore. I wana quit. I'm just tired, tired of swimming against the tide, proving myself... i'm tired.

Mum, getting close to someone, anyone is now very, very hard for me.

It's easier, safer for me to watch from a distance. Sometimes i feel so lost i've never been able to experiece things like normal people. So i watch others and smile for their joy. You know, my uplines, like Jon&Eve going for honeymoon at Maldives, Joe&Adel having a baby, DrTan&Carine having a wonderful career and family, Jordan having a Cooper, Ivan&Carrie mother-and-son pair, BenPoh having family members whom he can spend his weekends with, Kelvin having such warm and sensitive parents, Chongyi having such a wonderful dad whom he can identify with, Ron having a loving wife etc. So i will make eye contacts, bow my head in respect, and stroll off feeling a little warmer inside, thinking i'd never be able to share moments in time like other families and couples. And sometimes, that's enough.

I'm still scared, but no longer terrified. I can live with that, Mum. But one day, mum, i would like to be a real person. A person who is able to let down his guard and let someone in. Before i die, i would like to experience that.

If i have to remain alone, i will. Above all i know not only can i survive, but i can trust myself and i feel secure with that promise.

And that's how i'm going to live my life. That will do.

Be the change you want to see in this world

2007-10-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

Everyday i do my best. Everyday i try to deal with realities.I may have lost the ability to dream and all, but i'm still able to do the simple stuff. I can still sit down and spend quality time with myself, and discover what is truly important to me.

If there is ever one realisation that i learnt, it's about beginning to accept and acknowledge my own inadequacy. You know at times when i'm walking on street, looking at people, pondering, and gaining that self-awareness, i just feel incompetent, and lost. I had goals that i wanted to achieve so desperately 2 months back, but they are now becoming less and less significant now. It's self-awareness. I know my boundaries. I know i could only go so far in certain aspects of life. That will do.

I may not know what i want in life, and may never find the answer. But i can still live. I will fall down, stumble, get hurt along the way; yet it is getting up that truly matters.I don't live a life to prove to others what i'm made up of. I know i can do something every single day that is going to build me up. I only have to make it through - one morning, one afternoon, and one evening at a time.

Sometimes i screw things up. I quarrelled with siblings, ran away from circumstances, ate laksa and KFC, was affected too much by my dad's words, etc, but i don't screw things up all the time. When i reflected, i told myself that if there were things that i could have done to stop all that, i just have to do better the next time. If i did try my best to deal with the situations,and there was nothing more i could do, i just have to let go and move on. And there are times when i try to build things up -- talking to people, reading, doing sports, washing toilet, sending my bro to piano lesson and all. At the very least, i have started living, breathing in fresh air, and carrying some responsibilities.

I'm not seeking pity here nor am i wallowing in self-pity. i'm just stating who i am. I've spent all these years studying and working hard because i had hopes. Hope about getting my mum out of the hell so that she could live like a human, have hobbies and friends, and be a mother and be proud of me. Hope to be successful in life and go on to help the less fortunate. Hope to build an orphanage, a school and a library to cater to those who are socially deprived. Hope to build a home together with someone i love. And i think i can do without all these hopes. Mb i won't fight so hard to excel in my careers like i used to do, but i can spend more time doing charity work. Mb i can't really be close to those i love, but i can make more effort to care about other people. Mb i won't have a Sports Car or a BMW in my life, but i could spend those money on humanitarian projects.

All in all, it's the realisation that it all starts out with me. And only me myself can be the initiative and the change i want to see in this world.

Okay that will do.

Home (1)

2007-10-04T15:11:00.000+08:00

从前，每当听到陈洁仪的<天冷就回家>或Michael Buble的, 就会有一股冲动，想要冲回家。

还记得，那年我刚到新加坡求学过寄宿生活，每当来探访的爸爸和妈妈在傍晚离去的时候，我都会强颜欢笑说byebye，然后转过身，泪流满面。因为，我很想家。

小的时候，我很爱家。爸爸说，家丑不可外扬。我把家里的喧哗告诉班组任，她在家长日那天把我的倾诉转告我父母。回家后，爸爸跟妈妈叫我跪在观音娘娘面前，用藤鞭打我，要我对娘娘发誓，我会爱这个家。我不明白，我很爱家，怎么妈妈跟观音没有把我救起来。

那一次，姐姐也有跪，她差一点就晕过去。

那一天，我告诉自己，我没有家，以后就靠自己闯出去。

那一年，我没有光宗耀祖，没有得到模范生的奖杯。

i'm a NOBODY

2007-10-03T00:43:00.000+08:00

Okie last Sat, 29th Sept, he reminded me that it has been a long 19 difficult year. Those stuff which i really did try my best not to carry with me all these while have now become more vivid than before. I still believe that no matter the environment, there comes a time when the choice is ours. I'm slowly losing the grip. Gradually.. Painstakingly.. but i can feel that i'm turning it off. I am still nervous and tensed up, but surely i'm getting rid myself of the rubbish.

Trying to stay alive in a cell is never easy. I don't mean those physical tortures that i had to suffer since young. It was mental. And i'm becoming not like myself. Sometimes i consoled myself by telling myself that once i'm grown up, i could stay away. I could break free, bit by bit, everyday, of those devastating moments which happen almost every single day when i am at the cell.

I don't hate him. I don't hate a single person. He could do anything he likes, beating my mum up, chasing his wife out of the cell, waking me up at 3am to scold me, despising my characters, calling me an irresponsible bastard, fighting a cold war with me for days when i refused to get testimonial from my teachers, hating my sister, hurting my brother everyday, writing vulgarities to my mum and the CHIN family, refusing to give us money for dinner etc. I just don't hate him. I hated myself, for incapable of living a truly decent life after all these struggles, and because i was not able to, as a son, give him something to change and to quit his lifestyle that almost costs us lives. I QUIT!

And all my friends think that i'm in a habit of screwing things up due to my past. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FRIENDS FOR!? They could be really nice at times, helping you at work or giving you advice on life goals etc. But don't you feel that losing MUMMY is one thing, losing DREAMS is another thing, losing a HOME is a big thing, and losing HOPE is a bigger thing? And when that happens, all your friends are either too busy to really bother about you and all they can do is say HI, MY DEAR HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY via internet. So i say FUCK OFF! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Nobody truly cares. Nobody truly makes the effort to understand what exactly i'm going through. Nobody cares to find out whether i'm living in a home or a hell. Nobody bothers to save 2 hours of their lives for me. Everyone expects me to 'SPRING' back to normal, if not better in life. Everyone expects me to return to work where i have a Brokenness there. Everyone expects me to stand up for myself, if not my mum. What the HECK. I'm a NOBODY k. Just wipe the traces that i ACCIDENTALLY left in your life. So i'm sorry about that smirk. But really just Forget about having me in your life.

My Life

2007-10-02T00:20:00.000+08:00

我被关在监狱里，任何举动都可能引起大风大浪。监狱里不时有人经过，监狱官，医护人员，社工，律师，都只驻足旁观，用在动物园看动物的眼神凝视我，没有人愿意伸出援手把我救出来。我在这狭小的范围拼命维持着呼吸，拼命把食物在中午或晚上往已经没有胃觉的肚子里吞，恐惧地等待下一次的发落。

从监狱里的人群中听说，外面还有很多人在打听我的下落，但是，没有人愿意撤下繁忙的作息，走进监狱里了解我的处境。有些狱囚问我，我为什么会被关在这里。其实，我也不知道，只是，从我有知觉开始，我就一直被囚禁在这里，每隔一段时间，都要挨绳鞭，以致我遍体鳞伤，无从反抗。

我逃不出去，你们懂吗？

我的手脚都被铁链烤住，每一次想逃出去时，都摆脱不了铁链的纠缠，有时，用力过盛，离狱门就差那几步，却弄得自己伤痕累累。从前，很憧憬外面的生活，因为可能外面我可以有我自己的家。现在，我宁愿不逃了，呆在监狱里，住的吃的都有，只要我不逃，我只需要用舌头舔抚绳鞭的血痕，用不着担心手脚被铁链拴得死去活来。

外面的世界真的会有光亮吗？可是，那年我出游的时候却看见外面的人类个个都把脸朝向太阳，假装这个世界没有阴暗。

我害怕，害怕有一天，当我发觉呼吸也毫无意义的时候，我会用铁链将自己的脖子紧紧地绑住，让自己的身子不用再在发落的时候努力地挪动着。

这一天，应该真的不远了吧。