i'm a NOBODY

Okie last Sat, 29th Sept, he reminded me that it has been a long 19 difficult year. Those stuff which i really did try my best not to carry with me all these while have now become more vivid than before. I still believe that no matter the environment, there comes a time when the choice is ours. I'm slowly losing the grip. Gradually.. Painstakingly.. but i can feel that i'm turning it off. I am still nervous and tensed up, but surely i'm getting rid myself of the rubbish.

Trying to stay alive in a cell is never easy. I don't mean those physical tortures that i had to suffer since young. It was mental. And i'm becoming not like myself. Sometimes i consoled myself by telling myself that once i'm grown up, i could stay away. I could break free, bit by bit, everyday, of those devastating moments which happen almost every single day when i am at the cell.

I don't hate him. I don't hate a single person. He could do anything he likes, beating my mum up, chasing his wife out of the cell, waking me up at 3am to scold me, despising my characters, calling me an irresponsible bastard, fighting a cold war with me for days when i refused to get testimonial from my teachers, hating my sister, hurting my brother everyday, writing vulgarities to my mum and the CHIN family, refusing to give us money for dinner etc. I just don't hate him. I hated myself, for incapable of living a truly decent life after all these struggles, and because i was not able to, as a son, give him something to change and to quit his lifestyle that almost costs us lives. I QUIT!

And all my friends think that i'm in a habit of screwing things up due to my past. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FRIENDS FOR!? They could be really nice at times, helping you at work or giving you advice on life goals etc. But don't you feel that losing MUMMY is one thing, losing DREAMS is another thing, losing a HOME is a big thing, and losing HOPE is a bigger thing? And when that happens, all your friends are either too busy to really bother about you and all they can do is say HI, MY DEAR HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY via internet. So i say FUCK OFF! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Nobody truly cares. Nobody truly makes the effort to understand what exactly i'm going through. Nobody cares to find out whether i'm living in a home or a hell. Nobody bothers to save 2 hours of their lives for me. Everyone expects me to 'SPRING' back to normal, if not better in life. Everyone expects me to return to work where i have a Brokenness there. Everyone expects me to stand up for myself, if not my mum. What the HECK. I'm a NOBODY k. Just wipe the traces that i ACCIDENTALLY left in your life. So i'm sorry about that smirk. But really just Forget about having me in your life.