That's me

8.10.07 - so he reminded that we have not been talking for weeks. I don't see anything wrong with that, if staying in this state is not giving me extra burdens and not going to break me. Sometimes my relatives asked if i'm ever going back to work. Yes, maybe. They asked if taking such a long break will affect my biz that i have built up. I uttered erm. They asked if staying 'offline' for so long is going to help. It's pretty hard to answer that one. Yes, i would think so. There are so many things that i wished i could find a way to explain to them and my friends.

In the past, my mum would ask me to spend more time with family. Yes, mum, i would like to, but i have dreams.And everytime i come home, she would keep asking how well my biz has set off, and how life was treating me in the workplace. Everytime, i would walk away. I would change subjects. I would do anything just to skip her questions about my work. Because i didn't want her to get worried. She would infer that my ignorance has something to do with negativity in my career. Erm, yes and no.It's me myself who had decided to defer my overseas school life that i have so longed for.So i didn't want to sound weak to her. I didn't want her to look at me with eyes showing her victory that i have finally regretted on my decision. Basically, i din want to look at her at all becuz she knows me. She knows i have a dream to set her free, but still insisted on spending more time with family. She wants to see me in that dark blue suit and a squarish cap with a degree. She wants to see me getting out of the college.

Mum, how could i tell you these? That i had my own share of problems at work. Me and my colleagues argued. And i ran away to Penang. I slept on the street... Mum pardon me, but how could i bear to tell you my suffers when you're actually living in hell??

Mum, there are things that i want you to understand. I never got the courage to tell you. Because i'm your son, and i want your acceptance so desperately. Pardon me for being ignorant. Really. It's not that i din care what's happening at home. I know all of you, mum, sis and bro went through hell at home. I didn't care. When things happened, i just ran away. I couldn't save you all. Mum, you know what. I was still hoping that one day, when i am a SOMEBODY, things might get better, and he would change. Maybe he would be proud of me, and treat you like a being, because you bore me. And i couldn't save myself. Everyday, every single day when i was away, i got the strength to face life from hoping. And because i had relied totally on what i hoped would happen, i scared people away. They felt burdened being with me. They felt pressured to even share life with me. Mum, all my hopes and dreams, they required the participation of other people. Going to Maldives with the person i love - it requires me to find and maintain a productive relationship. Building a home for you - it must have your presence and contribution. And mum, a few weeks before you're gone, i lost the first dream. After you passed away, i had lost everything in my life. I can never never go home.

Mum, without you, i tried being strong. And it wore me off. I'm left with nothing but sheer tiredness. I'm living like a zombie. I don't know where i'm heading to, what to look forward to, what more i could achieve in life without a dream. Everyday i'm just playing jig-saw, trying to piece back scattered, disjointed aspects of life together. Sometimes, i gave up. There's no point salvaging what seems like a wrecked World Trade Centre after 911. At times, i tried to take charge of my emotions. I told myself i just have to be more patient. When life is in such havoc, you either break or take in breathe minute by minute.

Mum, i'm no longer driven. I've lost all the colours and passions in life. I hope you can accept that. That's me. Sometimes the wounds hurt so much that i wish i could have replaced you to receive the crash from the speeding motorbike that bang onto you. And that's me. When you had cancer earlier on, i spent every night praying and crying to God that i was willing to swap with you. You take my healthy soul. I go through chemo for you. And that's me.

Sometimes i can't hold it anymore. I wana quit. I'm just tired, tired of swimming against the tide, proving myself... i'm tired.

Mum, getting close to someone, anyone is now very, very hard for me.

It's easier, safer for me to watch from a distance. Sometimes i feel so lost i've never been able to experiece things like normal people. So i watch others and smile for their joy. You know, my uplines, like Jon&Eve going for honeymoon at Maldives, Joe&Adel having a baby, DrTan&Carine having a wonderful career and family, Jordan having a Cooper, Ivan&Carrie mother-and-son pair, BenPoh having family members whom he can spend his weekends with, Kelvin having such warm and sensitive parents, Chongyi having such a wonderful dad whom he can identify with, Ron having a loving wife etc. So i will make eye contacts, bow my head in respect, and stroll off feeling a little warmer inside, thinking i'd never be able to share moments in time like other families and couples. And sometimes, that's enough.

I'm still scared, but no longer terrified. I can live with that, Mum. But one day, mum, i would like to be a real person. A person who is able to let down his guard and let someone in. Before i die, i would like to experience that.

If i have to remain alone, i will. Above all i know not only can i survive, but i can trust myself and i feel secure with that promise.

And that's how i'm going to live my life. That will do.