Hopeless

I duno how to start with this entry. Because for so long ( at least it seems like ), i have been trying to live my life, pick myself up, thinking about my next step, pondering how i would be able to make it through without even the slightest hopes. I tried. And nothing helps. I feel out of place in every circumstance. I feel every step is a gigantic burden on my shoulder. I feel like crying all the time but no tears came out. I feel i should just drift and fade away.

I am a person without hopes. I'm hopeless. And life has no meaning to me now. I used to think that stuff like cigarattes, drugs, etc are bad. They destroy lives. They make you a filthy being. When i open my eyes every morning, i duno what i need to do for the day. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to carry me through every single night. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like meeting any of my friends. I don't feel like talking and taking meals at times. I don't feel like being awake and alive. Sometimes when i'm walking, and i don't know where i'm heading to. I forgot why i'm walking and where i'm going. Okay tell u the truth. I just feel like smoking, doing drugs, having sex all the time. At least they are more stimulating, and that they remind me that i'm still living and i can still feel high in life.

I used to think that perhaps i didn't want to eliminate hopes from people about me. Me getting back to normal life and stuff. I could dress nicely, gel my hair up before meeting people. And in that way, maybe they would think i'm okay, adjusting and moving on. But there's a contradiction. I dun want to give people false hopes. That i could look smart and well from the outside but in actual facts i'm shaking inside. I feel bad doing that. Because i have no hopes. There's no point hiding that what i'm feeling inside. It will not get better.

So tell me how to live a life without hopes and purposes. How do you ever take a step forward when you don't see a point making the effort? How do you open up to someone when all your life you have been controlled, monitored and imprisoned? Where do you take the courage to go for work when you don't feel like getting yourself out of the bed every morning? Would you talk to people if conversations just make you more aware of your own inadequacy and incapability to achieve simple stuff? Would you even bother to explain to anyone what's happening to you when all they care for is you getting back to work?

If you have the answers, do let me know