Overcomers

It began with a conversation, and it sent waves and waves of ripples through my already troubled minds..


I had to go back to the deepest of my memories, and the darkest of my earthly days. Never mind about the pain because at least i felt real and alive in pain.


I wanted to tell you how much you were going so astray and that i didn't quite know whether i have the power to help you. Surely i won't forget that smirk on your face when i invited you into realising how you could still talk to a living being who had gone through such circumstances. I was utterly embarrassed, really, at that instant judgement you made.


Time and time again i gathered up the courage to re-live the most depressing moments in my life. Because i wanted to get it over, till a point where i could be 100% okay with my own history.


And somebody asked me a few days ago, "Why are you so miserable? Aren't you a Christian who believes in God? If He's really up there, can't you pray and ask Him to remove all your problems, since He's all loving and forgiving?"


I said no, you don't undertand. You didn't try hard enough this time.


Who did?


Too many things have happened since the year started. I couldn't help but keep thinking about what drove me or gave me the power to surmount the hurdles life had placed before me all this while. There were times when i was almost on the verge of giving up, losing a battle and putting myself at the cliff, deciding whether to fall or to climb. Of all the numerous struggling and trying moments i went through, i have always emerged as the overcomer. And this time round, i want to do just the same, to win the match and be an overcomer.


I don't want to give myself up just because someone walked into my life, did some irresponsible things, and walked out of my life. I don't wana lose hope because i deserve a better life after so much. Why would i be fighting so hard all my life just to succumb to one silly mistake that someone has made?


And i learnt. I learnt along the way. I learnt the hard way. There were a thousand times when i didn't believe in miracles and there were also another thousand times when i believed in one. I have learnt what it means to be truly free of past wounds. I realised, the hardest thing is not just about overcoming every obstable that comes in your way but maintaining the positive outlook when seemingly similar recurring tragic incidents put you to believe that you don't deserve a better life. I mean why had all this happened? That i have Brokenness everywhere - Friendship, Relationship, Family, Career etc? That i have bits and pieces here and there that i can't seem to bring them together to complete the picture and feel Whole, for once in my life? Is it something that i have to live with for the rest of my life?


Why? Why God? Why can't You remove all my sufferings and allow me to live happily?


Because God has a vision for us. He wants us to be overcomers. For some who have been reading my blog, you should have realised the change of my belief towards God and all. Remember the story about a depressed man who questioned God about His existence during his trying moments? And he had had a dream about being with God on the beach; that when he looked back on his trail, he could see God's footprints beside his during his peaceful and easy time but he could witness only a set of footprints during his difficult and turbulent period. And God said 'That footprints were mine. Because i was carrying you on my shoulders'.


Yes, now i'm a living testament to His existence because of what i went through when i looked back. You'd want to be made of iron or have a heart of stone if you don't feel touched by His love. I'm going to journal it down, soon, because it's so precious. And God doesn't want to remove all the problems from our lives, because He wants to make us overcomers, and because we would only grow stronger in storms under His guidance.


Of all the storms which have tried to failed me, and of all the thunders which have tried to dampened me, i must have something which i have been holding so steadfastly to my heart to bring me through my difficult times. And it was my wish to build a Home, and to be part of a nice Home in which i can feel Whole, unbroken, intact, and united enough to love and be loved. I'm dreaming of a future moment of exorcising the ghost of my past life, of washing away of years of pain, of torture, of loneliness, of crying oneself to sleep, of begging and praying on bended knee, in the hope that a great day would somehow await me at the end of this long long journey.

Apology

So it hasn't gone away, for good.

It's still there. It's still making me feeling angry and depressed from time to time. I have been trying to unload and get over it. And Today i felt the need for an apology. Whatever it takes to make you apologize in front of me, i just need one.

It made me think. How long do i need to put it down and start living for myself? I can live well enough on my own but when i see you, everything would just go back to where it used to be. Why? Because it's still an open end.

i need an apology, eventhough it's been so long, long after our paths were first seperated, because i want to close that end.

Because i still want you to be my friend. I've been trying so hard to mend the way for my future, and to heal the wounds from the past. But i'm walking this journey alone, struggling to even balance myself at times, let alone heading to the right direction. It took at least more than two people to create the wounds, and yet i have to face the healing alone. Can you apologize? In front of me? Because i so earnestly want to believe that you're still a being who is willing to learn from mistakes and who goes all out to make up for his wrongbeings. You know you're still hurting me as much as you used to do, because you never make an effort to feel sorry in my presence. And sometimes i would be waken up by tears which have flown down to my cheeks. Because the hurt is still overwhelming for me at times, and i felt like i was losing control of my life, and that my life is in ruins. I have trusted you so much. So so much. And yet you didn't even make an effort to be there for me when things happened.

So tell me. How do i get this over? When i'm still feeling so betrayed and ruined just like the first night when i realised everything was over? You took away my dreams. You broke my trust. You destroyed my life. And for God's sake, how am i ever to move on without an apology? Till now, i still want to believe that you had no choice but to break me. It wasn't intentional. It might be something else that you were dealing with, and you had no choice but to sacrifice me. Whatever it is, i just want to know, do u feel sorry? Do you think you've failed me? Can you say sorry, so that i know you feel sorry and that you're not a jerk?

I really dun wana go away with the mentality that you're a bastard. I mean a bastard who is able to achieve greatness in careers but is still a bastard because you shot dead a person and you ran away. Don't you think you will be held criminal for the rest of your life, because you accidentally knocked over someone into the graveyard but nv say sorry for his family?

Look, i dun want it to come back to haunt me again and again. I want it to stop. I dun want to believe that you're a bad person and everyone who welcomes you is bad. It's very judgemental.

God has freed me. But i wana try to love and care about you in a real way like what God has done for the rest of the World, when he was betrayed by his own people. I'm gonna try. I want to try to have an open heart and love people genuinely. But before that, i need to think about you as a being and not a destroyer.

We can make the world a better living place, starting from You and Me.