Apology

So it hasn't gone away, for good.

It's still there. It's still making me feeling angry and depressed from time to time. I have been trying to unload and get over it. And Today i felt the need for an apology. Whatever it takes to make you apologize in front of me, i just need one.

It made me think. How long do i need to put it down and start living for myself? I can live well enough on my own but when i see you, everything would just go back to where it used to be. Why? Because it's still an open end.

i need an apology, eventhough it's been so long, long after our paths were first seperated, because i want to close that end.

Because i still want you to be my friend. I've been trying so hard to mend the way for my future, and to heal the wounds from the past. But i'm walking this journey alone, struggling to even balance myself at times, let alone heading to the right direction. It took at least more than two people to create the wounds, and yet i have to face the healing alone. Can you apologize? In front of me? Because i so earnestly want to believe that you're still a being who is willing to learn from mistakes and who goes all out to make up for his wrongbeings. You know you're still hurting me as much as you used to do, because you never make an effort to feel sorry in my presence. And sometimes i would be waken up by tears which have flown down to my cheeks. Because the hurt is still overwhelming for me at times, and i felt like i was losing control of my life, and that my life is in ruins. I have trusted you so much. So so much. And yet you didn't even make an effort to be there for me when things happened.

So tell me. How do i get this over? When i'm still feeling so betrayed and ruined just like the first night when i realised everything was over? You took away my dreams. You broke my trust. You destroyed my life. And for God's sake, how am i ever to move on without an apology? Till now, i still want to believe that you had no choice but to break me. It wasn't intentional. It might be something else that you were dealing with, and you had no choice but to sacrifice me. Whatever it is, i just want to know, do u feel sorry? Do you think you've failed me? Can you say sorry, so that i know you feel sorry and that you're not a jerk?

I really dun wana go away with the mentality that you're a bastard. I mean a bastard who is able to achieve greatness in careers but is still a bastard because you shot dead a person and you ran away. Don't you think you will be held criminal for the rest of your life, because you accidentally knocked over someone into the graveyard but nv say sorry for his family?

Look, i dun want it to come back to haunt me again and again. I want it to stop. I dun want to believe that you're a bad person and everyone who welcomes you is bad. It's very judgemental.

God has freed me. But i wana try to love and care about you in a real way like what God has done for the rest of the World, when he was betrayed by his own people. I'm gonna try. I want to try to have an open heart and love people genuinely. But before that, i need to think about you as a being and not a destroyer.

We can make the world a better living place, starting from You and Me.