Overcomers

It began with a conversation, and it sent waves and waves of ripples through my already troubled minds..


I had to go back to the deepest of my memories, and the darkest of my earthly days. Never mind about the pain because at least i felt real and alive in pain.


I wanted to tell you how much you were going so astray and that i didn't quite know whether i have the power to help you. Surely i won't forget that smirk on your face when i invited you into realising how you could still talk to a living being who had gone through such circumstances. I was utterly embarrassed, really, at that instant judgement you made.


Time and time again i gathered up the courage to re-live the most depressing moments in my life. Because i wanted to get it over, till a point where i could be 100% okay with my own history.


And somebody asked me a few days ago, "Why are you so miserable? Aren't you a Christian who believes in God? If He's really up there, can't you pray and ask Him to remove all your problems, since He's all loving and forgiving?"


I said no, you don't undertand. You didn't try hard enough this time.


Who did?


Too many things have happened since the year started. I couldn't help but keep thinking about what drove me or gave me the power to surmount the hurdles life had placed before me all this while. There were times when i was almost on the verge of giving up, losing a battle and putting myself at the cliff, deciding whether to fall or to climb. Of all the numerous struggling and trying moments i went through, i have always emerged as the overcomer. And this time round, i want to do just the same, to win the match and be an overcomer.


I don't want to give myself up just because someone walked into my life, did some irresponsible things, and walked out of my life. I don't wana lose hope because i deserve a better life after so much. Why would i be fighting so hard all my life just to succumb to one silly mistake that someone has made?


And i learnt. I learnt along the way. I learnt the hard way. There were a thousand times when i didn't believe in miracles and there were also another thousand times when i believed in one. I have learnt what it means to be truly free of past wounds. I realised, the hardest thing is not just about overcoming every obstable that comes in your way but maintaining the positive outlook when seemingly similar recurring tragic incidents put you to believe that you don't deserve a better life. I mean why had all this happened? That i have Brokenness everywhere - Friendship, Relationship, Family, Career etc? That i have bits and pieces here and there that i can't seem to bring them together to complete the picture and feel Whole, for once in my life? Is it something that i have to live with for the rest of my life?


Why? Why God? Why can't You remove all my sufferings and allow me to live happily?


Because God has a vision for us. He wants us to be overcomers. For some who have been reading my blog, you should have realised the change of my belief towards God and all. Remember the story about a depressed man who questioned God about His existence during his trying moments? And he had had a dream about being with God on the beach; that when he looked back on his trail, he could see God's footprints beside his during his peaceful and easy time but he could witness only a set of footprints during his difficult and turbulent period. And God said 'That footprints were mine. Because i was carrying you on my shoulders'.


Yes, now i'm a living testament to His existence because of what i went through when i looked back. You'd want to be made of iron or have a heart of stone if you don't feel touched by His love. I'm going to journal it down, soon, because it's so precious. And God doesn't want to remove all the problems from our lives, because He wants to make us overcomers, and because we would only grow stronger in storms under His guidance.


Of all the storms which have tried to failed me, and of all the thunders which have tried to dampened me, i must have something which i have been holding so steadfastly to my heart to bring me through my difficult times. And it was my wish to build a Home, and to be part of a nice Home in which i can feel Whole, unbroken, intact, and united enough to love and be loved. I'm dreaming of a future moment of exorcising the ghost of my past life, of washing away of years of pain, of torture, of loneliness, of crying oneself to sleep, of begging and praying on bended knee, in the hope that a great day would somehow await me at the end of this long long journey.