Christmas

It took me this long to understand. To fully grasp the impact. And to want to move on.

This Christmas, i want to do just that, to free myself and to move on. I was at Fullerton. Had dinner with a couple of friends and i was aware that i had to do something different. Something that i should have done last year. Something that i wanted to do so much in the midst of attending parties and wishing the rest of the world a merry Christmas.

I knew i had to do it this Christmas, alone, because of who i am, after So Much.

I really thought it's sweet to receive gifts during this festive season. Gifts which make you feel loved from those you love. Blessings and hugs which make you feel belonged from friends and families. But how strange. When the world was immersed in the commercially-aided mood of exchanging presents and attending parties, i just wanted to be alone, be myself, without any existence of human beings, just me, with God. I just wanted to be uninterrupted, and feel spacious enough receive You into my heart.

I'm special because You made me so.

Happy Birthday, God. There's nothing more i really want for Christmas than You. Thank you so so so much for everything.

It's the best Christmas that i ever had because it's the first Christmas that i can remember being happy. Because i finally allowed myself to get closer, and to get myself into Your House.

It took me this long to understand, to fully grasp the impact and to really want to acknowledge your presence. It's like i have been interacting with You with such close proximity but have remained seperated by invisible walls and insurmountable taboos. So close, yet so far.

I was very exhausted. From dealing with life. My life. I was feeling lethargic to even want to make any sort of committment. I didn't want to feel heavy and burdened all over again because i have to shoulder the responsibilities. For so long i have been living my life to fulfill what other people think are my responsibilities. Being there for my families when there's a crisis. Going back to work because i must keep the promise that i made to my clients. Leading everyone out of the hurt because i'm the eldest son. Taking the role of a father and a mother because there isn't any at home. Making every other decisions at home. Being a driver to fetch siblings when no one else can do the job. Being made to feel worried when nobody is home for dinner. Making sure i was still loving the person whom i wanted to build a future with. I have been made to feel responsible enough to take care of all these that i felt it's my own responsiblities and that it's just right for me to carry them all. And if all these were truly my responsibilities, then who should feel responsible for making me feel deeply loved enough to start making the first step to recovery? Then who should be reponsible for my emotional well-being? Then who should feel responsible enough to lend me a shoulder and a listening ear because i didn't stand up as fast as i would want to?

Nobody. No beings. Not my friends from sec sch and jc. Not my closest friends whom i really hoped they were there. Not anyone from BHUCK. Not anyone from Nustar. Not You whom i loved so much and wanted to build a future with. Not my sister and brother and papa. Nobody felt responsible enough to carry a hurting soul. Nobody walked the miles with me when i was crawling to find a way out to heal my wounds. Nobody chose to feel responsible enough to go all out to rescue me. Nobody.

Except God.

Because of Him i'm still alive. Because of Him i'm still able to see you guys and be forgiving enough to talk to you eventhough i knew you didn't try your best to save me the other time. Because of Him i want to live a life with meaning, purpose and destiny. And because of him i'm learning what it means to love unconditionally, and what it takes to be completely free.

I remembered what Christmas meant. That God loves the world so much that He gave his only Son, Jesus Christ, to show us the truths and to forgive our sins. It meant God asked us to love our family, love ourselves, love God, and love people from our heart, in a genuine, humble way. It's something that most of us have the power but always forgotten to do. That there should be more Stopping for people who need love, families, friends or strangers, because that's what we had been empowered to when we were created from God.

And it took me this long to understand, to fully grasp the real purpose behind, and to know that it's a blessing in disguise. That among all the things which i had lost, i gained so much more than what i've been fighting for in schools, competitions and workplaces throughout this entire 19 years. I kept running away. And You kept chasing. I kept getting broken. And You kept keeping me whole. I kept feeling restrained. And You kept freeing me.

And finally, i'm back to You.

It's a Home Sweet Home this Christmas, and everyday from then onwards.