Gratitude

How i wished i could blow the candles in front of a house of blissful friends and family members. How i wished i could receive beautiful flowers and small gifts. How i wished there could be real hugs and genuine kisses coming from someone, anyone, even strangers. How i wished i could turn back time to celebrate my mum's love and courage to bear me. How i wished all my dreams would come through.

It's a day of thinking, of remembering the past, and of looking ahead for another 20 years. Today, i was reminded of the life i have in replace of hers. I was bonded to the nolstagia of the past love which appeared so vividly before me, being knot-tied, fastly-connected, and insurmountably linked to the core of the values that had made me who i am today.

I so very often believe that the continuation of life is the key to conquering new frontiers and redefining current niches. For once, our parents and grandparents have been stuck and thrown out of the ways, strangled and deserted, defeated and exiled, have failed and yet overcome, have struggled and yet prevailed, and have been in despair and yet they pressed on. This is a life that we get. With their motherly instints, they guide and feed us, protect and replenish us, slowly losing their grip along the way, till the day when we could pave the paths of our own.

The only regret i would have in this life is i had to believe also that the exception to the supposedly unconditional parental love happened in my life.

Deep in my heart, i would always know, that there is no escape to This, to the one Daddy, one Mummy and one Family that i ever had. I had to walk through the miles, travel the distances, only to find out at the end of the journey that my aloofness and indifference stem from the unique experiences i had at home since i was a child. And sometimes, i am telling you, that sometimes, i really don't feel like associating myself with anyone. It's like a mental barrier that decelerates any unions or interacting activities with other people, and very often i just stop trying to reach out. I just stop There, get away from people. Why? Because nobody understands. Nobody is able to truly understand the feeling of an abandoned child left to fight for a future, alone.

Above is a long awaited message from my 20th birthday, of which i never found a purpose in conveying. But today, i have the courage to tell because i've got a new outlook.

That whenever i feel the need to shift myself away from the crowd, perhaps, it's also the time when i need to be There for myself, to work on my mental strength, to deal with problems which only myself could understand.

And please tell me how strong i have been, because nobody has ever said that to me.