The fight

I'm eagerly waiting and preparing for the next blow in my life. November. It's approaching. I need to find a place, probably one that can only be reached by planes, to hide. Maybe i will play hide and seek. Maybe i will go missing for that just one week. I'm not going to skii. I'm not going to buy winter clothes. My efforts from the past few months just became ashes, or dust, wadever you wish to name them. It's alright. I'm okay with that. I've achknowledged that fact that my life is doomed, and good things won't happen in my life. That's it. Thank you for the company to remind me of that. The SAME-OLD-STORY. I'm good for nothing. But how am i going to tell my dad and uncles and aunts and sis and bro that i'm not quite capable of taking the flight there? I mean they don't understand. They never try to. Hmmm.. I'm still thinking of a solution. Anyone has one??

Erm i know some people hate to hear this but i have to say it. I could go to KL or stay at sg to work there and all. But it's a different story now. I don't have a fighting spirit. I dun wana fight for anything at all anymore. In order to excel in this biz, you need to fight for your mentors' time, and I can't do that anymore. You need to fight to secure a function or a place at a function, neither can i do that anymore. It was when Christine called that i realised this change in me. She said i must fight for that place in Korea, and i just felt like putting down the phone. No point fighting for something that i will never get. So how am i going to continue this biz, when i dun even have the urge to fight?

In life most people spend time fighting for things they want. Love, money, status, opportunities, etc. It's such a scene to see all of your friends and people around you fighting. They have goals and dreams. They have hopes and purposes in life. In one way or another, it's good. Good for them and good for me to watch them fighting. It reminds me of my past, when i believed i could fight and win. Badminton. Nustar. Home. School. Exams. Going overseas.

Yesterday before i turned in, i wanted to experience something different. Maybe somebody was there when all those nasty things happened. I prayed. I asked God to show up. If you were with me and are still there, please show up. If you're a loving God, pls show your love to me. Pls make me feel you love is with me. If i wasn't alone facing all these, and that it was a miracle by you of me surviving this battle, pls show me you're there. No one showed up. Noone said anything. Before i knew, i was asleep. And for one moment, like the rest of the things that i fought for in my life, i thought i was just fighting for something that i will never get. It's all just too good to be true in my life.

I was coming to deal with this. I asked for Him and He was not there. Hmmm and everyone around me seems to strongly disagree of my belief of his absence. I don't know. Maybe He was there for you guys when you needed Him the most. Maybe you are good people. Maybe you don't go around screwing other people's lives up. That explains, right? Because i'm not worthy of His love, and anyone's at all. Maybe He forgot me. I mean sometimes people do forget they are hurting you and then one month later, they come back to you and say sorry, yea? Maybe His love is too good to be true. Maybe He doesn't talk to people who don't speak to his dad for 1 month? Yup i think so.

For all my life i've been fighting for stuff which are nv meant to be mine. Fighting, fighting and fighting. Fighting to swim against the tides. Fighting to disregard negativity so that i can be a normal person. Fighting to gain that love that i so longed for. Fighting with myself to feel and say sorry for something which was not my fault. Fighting to run away from circumstances. Fighting to prove to everyone else what i'm made up of. Fighting to accept my fucked up life. Fighting to regain consciousness when i was stabbed in the heart. Fighting to breathe when i din even feel like being alive. Fighting for a home. Fighting for the time of someone whom i wana spend my life with. Fighting to fight to gain everything that i thought was worthwhile in my life. And now, i've stopped fighting. Everything ended there.

On the bright side, I can see that i'm gaining control of my life. That's a good thing. Because i have accepted my life, knowing too well that good things don't happen in my life, I'm able to walk out of any circumstance much faster. I'm just happy at that. At least i dun hav to go back to where i was, you know, hoping that some Superman or beings would come and rescue me when i was sentenced. Haha Yeah. And now i'm trying to deal with heartaches. One step at a time.

And i must say this. Mrs Quek, really thanks a lot. Meeting you during this difficult period was the most rewarding decision that i made. Really. Somehow, you made me feel complete. You made me feel that it's okay to take time off to grieve, knowing well that sometimes when you're really upset, the rest of your normal functions will be affected. Thanks for having a session with me. You may not be the one who understands everything, but at least you have time to listen to me. I mean you don't have to, right? You could charge me for the session and all or refuse to see such a 'negative' problematic kid, but you didn't do all that. I'm really grateful.