Struggle

I have been going through a lot of internal struggles recently. But the intensity is gradually wearing off, i hope. Nonetheless, i am still trying my very best to cope. One of my counsellors once told me that healing has to take place in the presence of those who caused the hurt. Yes i believe so. It's just that i don't have the luxury of that happening in my life. So how am i going to get recovered? i really duno.


Well i weighed the consequences. I evaluated on my past doings and attitude. But still i think i'm a nice person. haha. And i seriously don't think i'm bad-tempered or i hav a low EQ. If you put yourself in my shoes, what would you do given the intensity and magnitude of that sort of SHIT that i went through? Would you still believe that things are going to be fine in the future?

During this grieving and healing period, i have been coming to terms with the fact that some people just don't understand why i can't pick myself up. Well can't you see that? That by making an effort to meet some friends, talk to people and even start doing things i love, i'm slowly grabbing the momentum of living all over again. The slightest step in your eyes is my hardest effort ever. Can't you see that? These tiny little stuff may seem trivial to you, but i'm using a whole lot of courage and determination just to even move myself forward a single step.

And some people just can't accept that i don't have goals and dreams, at least for now. They kept asking what my plans are and what are my wants and goals in life. I really couldn't answer that. i'm not lying. And it really hurts when i saw my friends withdrawing themselves and moving away from me just because i dun hav a plan for my life. I mean, why can't you guys be more understanding? i know you care enough to talk to me, and i care enough too to make the effort to meet you guys. But i need more time. i dun hav a long-term plan and a dream in mind. Can't you guys be more patient and be there when i screw things up? That's a plea, without obligation of course, cuz i've gone through much worse than this.

Erm.. i wana write this : When i woke up this morning at abt 7am, i felt a sudden surge of enormous pain rushing through my left chest. I thought someone was stabbing me. Really. I was so freaked out. I thought i was going to die becuz i felt my heart was going weaker and weaker from the throbbing pain. But when i looked around, there was no one. And i moved my hand across my chest, i could feel no wound. After a few seconds did i realise that the wound was internal. It was my heart aching from the inside. Heartache.

Have you experienced that before? I never wish anyone would need to go through that at all. It was unbearable. I know i'm wounded. I have a scar at the deepest corner of my heart. It won't go away. No matter how hard i try or how many days i have remained unshattered physically, the scar is and will still be there. That's something that i've acknowledged. And i have to admit that when scratched, the wound will bleed and i will have to seal the wounds all over again. But i know one day, the wound will have enough clotting factors so much so that when scratched, it is capable of sealing itself up without causing me a lot of pain. Those wounds and scars, they make me who i am today. And i just wana be myself. I'm vulnerable, yes, but i learn from lessons. I know i don't wana go back to my past where i cared too much that my well-beings were affected by my dad's mood and words, and that i was ignorant as to whether or not i was compromising my beliefs and myself to build a relationship, that, in my opinion, was meaningful. No, my past is not going to haunt me again. But the next time you see me in a bad mood, do lend me a listening ear.

p/s : hope i will never sprain my ankle again. Or else, i will have to crawl for the rest of my life.