KL Trip

Sometimes we cry for no reason, and sometimes we do for every reason. Thank you B. Thanks for stopping. Thanks for choosing to stop and talk to me, in a real way. And thank you for letting me cry in front of you, under the bright sunlight, without asking me to explain everything, explain everything and explain everything. It's so tiring to have to explain everything. I wasn't sad at all but my tears just ran down. I cried not because your words echoed what i was feeling. Rather, i was genuinely touched by your effort to stop and spend 10 min of your life to bring comfort to me.

I drove to KL alone. Not that it's a Big thing to drive up alone but it was my first time on the highway since i got my license and i was not familiar with KL at all. I chose to drive up, alone, because i thought i was responsible enough to take care of my life. I knew i had to face it alone - the struggles, the people, the lost dreams, and the places. Kuala Lumpur. A name so familiar that it hurts. A place where i started out. Started to really want to have Something in my life and live my dreams up. A place where it ended and then i was trapped. I would have chosen not to go KL if i have known it's a Blackhole that would suck me in. But i chose to go. I had a choice and i chose to come near the Blackhole. And i did so so righteously, so determined. It was so Me. So irrational, so stubborn, so rash.

I paid the price for that. A heavy price.


I was on the corridor of that Building, and memories kept flashing back. I didn't want to hide because i could remember how i was so brave to receive the Brokenness. I just sat there, thinking and thinking, for a long long time. I didn't want to leave. It's like i was trying to save whatever that was left behind. That instant when He called and i could only hear crying. I hate to receive that kind of calls. I hate to know it's my Father crying on the other side. I hate Crying Father, because there wasn't a time when you took up the courage to be a real Father. You merely knew how to put Love into words, and expected us to return in actions. You never bother to find out what's going on deep inside us. You only knew theories, and dramas, and actings. You only wanted to instill a sense of guilt in us to repay your so-called 'kindness'. You only wanted to show how aged and how vulnerable you are and how we should repay you. You just wanted us to be grateful of this Home that you brought to us, unconditionally.


I've had enough of these. Enough.


That night, i was so shocked, so scared inside that i din dare to cry. On the journey back, i kept telling myself to be brave, more forgiving, because people were going to say hurtful thing when they din really mean it. I told myself to stand strong and be more accepting. I did just that. There was no a single tear shed when i reached home. I heard crying, crying and crying. I didn't see Mummy. And i thought this's it. She was Dead. And Dead people won't come to you and say goodbye before they died.


Did anybody know How much i looked stronger on the outside was showing how much i was hurting inside.


It's nearly lunchtime. People were rushing in and out. I was still sitting there, trying to recollect myself, trying to Remember, so that the memory won't be so hurting and haunt me as much as it did. And i found out later that you can't let go by forgetting. You let go by remembering.


I was talking to myself, again, on the ground which caused me a lot of hurt. I realised that sometimes, you need to grieve in different places, in front of different people, in order to become stronger. Sometimes, you need to try as hard to be truthful to yourself to let your own emotions run as you wish to get out of what's trapping you.


I thought about the Funeral, the people who came and those who didn't. For those who did show up, thanks for taking actions to show your care. For those who wanted to come but din manage to, somehow, thanks for your words and encouragements. For those who didn't, be grateful to yourself for having the breath to give whatever excuses to make yourself feel better. Looking back, i wasn't really upset about losing someone whom had raised me up. No, not as upset when compared to the realisation that i was losing the Future that i so longed for. I was extremely upset and angry because you Chose to stay away just when i needed you the most. You had a choice and you chose not to be there. How sad. How broken i was when i knew this. I wanted to give you a Slap and beat you up but somehow i din. Perhaps, i was consciously trying not to become like my Father. I was aware that i would be like him when i did that.


So much for the flowers, shared goals, common dreams, hugs and kisses. You din mean it when you said you wanted to build a future with me. You chose to say things which you din mean , and i chose to believe you. How naive. You chose to stay away when you could have helped me to get out of that Blackness. How silly.


And i'm going away with the conviction that Actions Speak Louder than Words. I would rather receive a hug than a $50 dollars note. I would rather to be comforted than to receive flowers. I believe in showing Love and Care in a real way, in actions, in a more time-consuming way, not at the back, behind the scence, hidden, only to be found out from someone else later. So much for the time freedom that we are all going after. If you really care, take not money or words but your time out. There is no point caring at the back. No point doing things behind the scene. No point being so humble about your love till you don't show it in front of those whom you love.

I think everyone is afraid, afraid of giving love whole-heartedly. Because of the fear of disappointment. Because love comes with expectations, commitments and responsibilities. It's heavy, and it becomes a burden that slows you down when you don't take things in the right way. Perhaps, very few people are wise enough to know that it's in the act of feeding a starving child which really pours out your love and not one of making donations, giving money, buying flowers, and sending aids.

I was a bit disappointed. Just a little, at how i was being treated during my short trip to KL. You said you care. Everyone was telling me everyone cares. But only B was willing to connect to me. I was grateful to receive that pat from M and to have C sharing photos taken in Korea with me. But you. You din even make time for me. We met and i was waiting for you to start a conversation. You din. I was sitting there. I waited for you not to just smile at me but speak to me. I gave you chances. I made time out for you. And you chose to be silent. You are leaders. You never ran out of words when speaking in front of a thousand people but you chose to be silent in front of me. You could speak confidently with strangers and yet you din even make a sound with someone whom someone else claimed you truly care. Perhaps you din see the point to stop by when i am not capable of helping you to make you a millionaire. So that's how you care. And that's how our relationship worked. We din have a foundation to lean on, even if there was, it wasn't that strong. We were just colleagues, maybe. And colleagues only help each other at work, not in life. Maybe you will start showing more care, in a real way, only if i'm back to your team. Maybe that's not who you are but your actions only show this aspect of you. I mean, why didn't you choose to care at the frontline, in my presence, if you truly care? Maybe you are afraid. Just afraid of showing true concern to someone whom you only get acquinted at work. Maybe you are used to giving love at the back, behind the scene, donating meals for the African children, helping people to make real their dreams, and teaching people how to be an altruistic person just because it will help in your career anyway. Maybe you don't understand what true care is all about.

And i hope one day, you will understand what Love and Care is all about. It's about putting yourself on the line, being daring to take the risks, and being there for someone whom you truly love and care enough to make time for. It's never hidden, never so secretly, never so secluded. Never that.

I drove home the following evening because i felt out of place. Everybody seems to be getting there. BD. TE. Vietnam Trip. Ruby. Leaders. And yet out of the so many souls there, nobody chose to speak to me in a real way. It's like an empty shell. Full of joyful people. People with dreams, achievements, status and niche. People with overly positive attitude. People who don't know how to show Care and Concern in a real way.

And then it's supposedly Home Sweet Home.

How i wished it's really that.

Learning

Today. I'm going to learn something new. Something Big. Something only a brave person can do.

And may i be fruitful in my journey of searching for You.

Wish me a safe and adventurous trip :)

Strength to Live

I went to church on Sun. It was good being in the House of God again. Yes, again, after so long. The topic was 'He who remembers'. And this called out to my memory of someone, from my previous church, being a run-away kid and a problematic person, sharing his story about God. I remember that almost on my knees, i cried on hearing his story, because i was so touched by the courage that God has bestowed onto him to open up and tell us his life. And to do just that, talking to a Housefull of people, you need more than your inner strength.

He is the one who remembers.

Going back to church was one of my decisions i made. Because i wanted to find out what went wrong in my life that moved me away from God, and most importantly, why i could not feel His presence during my turbulent time whereas everyone else said He was there. So for the 2nd time in my life, i started a journey in search of God.

On my way back, i was just thinking - Who carried me through during the past few months. When i didn't see i was ever going to make it, who was there to ease my pain, even if it's just a little. When there wasn't any beings around to help, who gave me the courage to turn in everynight and wake up every morning. Who provided me with the inner strength to hold my tears when i rushed back just in time to decide on the Funeral. Who has made me want to get out of depression and dug out my inner desire to have a better life. Who was there to decide for me to leave the Blackness of my life and start making effort to get back to normality. Who made me want to talk to people again when most of them have failed me? Where did the wish for forgiveness come from?

And on Sun, i thought i knew a little more about who i want to be, and a little more about Love.

When i got home, i cried. Because i saw the ends for myself. I saw in reality what i'd always wanted to achieve in my life. I saw that holding hands. I saw that Humour. And i saw that Love that was mutual, coming from both ways, from hearts and from Above. I saw they are going to grow old together, and make it there one day.

Memories just kept flashing back. Of the time when i felt the urge to tell my Story but didn't because no one was willing to Stop and Listen. Of the split second when i decided to be strong and be there for my Family and Relatives eventhough i was feeling terribly wrong inside. Of the moments when i sent out so many SOS signals but none of them came to rescue. Of that afternoon when i first saw a dead body with fingers turning purple and a face so crooked that i felt out of place looking at someone whom i wished i could have loved more and spent more time with. And of the days when i was convincing myself not to commit suicide or run away when i couldn't even see the reason to live.

I knew i didn't have that kind of audacity to hold that. My heart wasn't that big to contain all these Blackness in my life. Who was there?

Because i couldn't see You, anyone at all. It was like a Black hole where i was being sucked in. I mean, What if i decided to quit? What if i gave up?

Would anybody do anything else at all beside coming to my funeral and cry in front of me because i died young?

Would you even Stop and Ask yourself why you didn't choose to Be There?

Would it change the Way you think about Love?

Would you Choose to make a difference the next time you see someone heading to the graveyard?

Would you realise that one day you would lose someone whom you love deeply, and hope that someone could Be There?

Would it appear to be ironic to you as you go all out to share with everyone the spirit of volunteerism or to save one of the starving African children when you didn't or couldn't even save your friends?

Would you still wait till you have the Time and Money before you help?

Would you even regret of not being there when all you might lose is your job but someone out there risks losing his life just because Help and Love gets to him too late?

I thought about all these when i was coming to a decision to live or Not. As far as i know, people would still be ignorant, eventhough sometimes they care, because they are just caring for the sake of caring. They are caring only when it's at their convenience. It is never from the heart. It's their minds which are at work. Hearts can touch, but never the Minds. And most people care because they would feel bad if they do otherwise. It's never that. True Care is never that. When you truly care, it's putting the other person's best interests first over your own feelings.

That's why i chose to live. Because i didn't want to be like that. And because i was not convinced that people would change anyhow, i had to make real what i believe in. I didn't want to Care and Love only because that will get me somewhere. I didn't want to do that just because there's a need to. I want to experience love, be it giving or given, with no conditions. It's about daring to put ourselves on the line, even if we might risk losing something.

I felt more relaxed having come to that decision. A few days ago, one of my friends, or should i say, acquintance, tempted me to try drugs. Drugs. Not smoking and not anything else but Drugs, which could end you up with life sentence. For a moment, i thought of trying. Maybe i should just try for once and for all. I felt i was almost coming to a relapse, of going back to where it all started. But i remembered. I remembered my Mum would be really mad to see me doing this. And the Lord doesn't like that too. So with ease, i rejected my friend.

See. It's all about the Decision. To stay away and to live.

The decision

I always used to have a vision in mind, of me, trying to draw pictures about who i want to be and who i'm becoming. It was like standing at a crossroad, making a choice, coming to a decision, but not knowing the complications of what each route leads to.

It was a grey area. And for so long, my world has been surrounded by unaccomplished goals, lost dreams, self-despair, anguish, guilt, and suicidal depression.

I remember a few days ago, out of frustration of not doing anything to create impacts in this world, i shifted myself to a junction. A crossroad. A middle ground where i could un-grey my world.

Sometimes, people shape the way you think, especially those closest to you. Sometimes, some people can't even see the way out for themselves to provide the right guidance for you. It's like lighthouses. How could they possibly lead you in a right way when they themselves are not glowing? i think it's about choices, to choose who you want to be with, and from whom you can learn stuff in a right way.

Strangely, i'm upset when i'm talking abt someone who should be bringing love and happiness to me. Is it true that you get hurt the most by those whom you love the most? I'm still trying to juggle that. Balancing act. Because for so long i've been fighting to strike a solitude between negativity at home and positivity that i thought ought to be displayed in a humane world. For 19 years, I have been taught to pick on people's weaknesses, and judge them. It's those small little things, which build up and create an impact on me.

I can still remember when i was abt 8, i was constantly warned of maintaining a distance with one of my teachers. Protection. In the name of self-protection i was reminded to stay away from that teacher who had been teaching me more than what's required. Why? Because everybody out there is bad. Only your Family is nice. Sexual Abuse, Kidnap, Conflicts of interest, Back-stabbing etc. For at least 10 years i had been educated to create a barrier. To draw a line between my own ground and others'. I had been told not to get close. Just watch. Watch with your eyes that everyone is bad and they would take advantage of you if u stay close enough. Only your Family can be trusted. It's a the only place where you can find love and care. It's your place. You've got to stay connected because the world is bad.

Irony.

Because i never feel loved enough to contain the hurt that i received from home.

And when i'm writing this entry, i received a call from home. Another incident. Another hurt. Another casualty. It hurts a little when i know about how people suffer while clinging onto the belief that He would get better. Because it reminds me of how i used to be so naive and persistent, holding fast to the conviction that one day, He would somehow, anyhow, change. And i could not help but lived in denial and isolated from the rest of the world becuz i'm just as lost as those who were concerned but did not know how to show it. It's because the hardest thing to accept, is to know that many do try to understand, but when they know a little more, they think they understood 100% of it and yet in reality, they don't. And that makes me feel out of place.

I wana move on. Yes a part of his DNA is in me, but so what? If somebody hurts you enough to make you want to jump off a building, would you go back and pretend nothing has happened? And someone told me that it's just a process. A process of loving, even mandatory if u want to grow stronger and wiser. No. We can have conflicts and quarrels. We can argue and hold different opinions. But NEVER a hurt so strong to make you want to jump off a building. Never a hurt to have such an impact to cause depression. Never. Never that.

And when you can't cope with that frustration of being affected daily to the extent that you're paralysed to do anything constructive at all, you stay away.

I think it's about choice. Choosing not to be bound by hurt. Choosing to move away from that place. Choosing who to be responsible for. Choosing to stay away.

Sometimes we've gotta take time off and stop, just for a moment, do yourself a favour - love yourself. Make that decision that is important for you. Do not be afraid. It's risky, i know, because the world will look at you in a different way, and you might feel out of place, but go for it, if you think it fits into your heart.

When you want to know God, and you have no friends inviting you to their churches, google search and attend one. When you see old women picking up used cans and looked really pathetic, go up to them and ask whether they've eaten their lunch. When you see a wheel-chair bound uncle trying to get into a train packed with commuters, be kind and wait for the next one because if you two are rushing to somewhere, you have legs to run. When you know of an acquitance dealing with emotional burden, take the initiative and be generous of your shoulders and hugs.

Tiny things. Small things. But they make a great difference. You need courage to do just that. Because people are watching. Because the world we live in is so grey that positivity is taboo. You've got to be sure of yourself. Because people would think you're an attention-seeker and you're not sincere. But really, just live it up. Just do it. It's okay when you face rejections and when people judge you. It's really okay. Because you've made an impact, you've decided to stop for others, and most important of all, you're doing yourself a favour by being truthful to yourself and not containing that compassion and love that's in you. You're not holding back. You're being yourself, and you're a better person from that.

There's always a point to start and a decision to be made.

Be brave. Don't be stingy about your hugs.

A tiny step for others might be a giant leap for you. You know yourself best. So dun judge.

Help.

I'm starting to be comfortable with myself, comfortable with the experiences that i've been through, comfortable with my life stories. I can carry on from here.



When i made the choice of seeing a counselor, i knew i needed help, or at least, i wanted to stop feeling inadequate. Before i came to that decision, i was still hoping that someone, or even some strangers would stop for a while and listen. I had so much to share, about my life. I longed for a listening ear. No one did just that. Not that anyone owes me anything. I thought it was just humane to do that.



I took an atypical route of recovery because i took the initiate and asked for it. I did it because i just wanted the whole thing to end and something deeper was calling for a U-turn. You know it's until very recently that i'm OKAY with talking to people. Why? Because it was just tough. I was suffering from depression and no one was there, or should i say, no one had the right experience to help. People suffering from this illness will never believe you when you tell them things are getting alright because depression itself isn't! I didn't believe. When everyone told me it's time to get back to work and stuff, i didn't want to do that. All of you tried to make me talk, make me feel loved, but i never did. I denied it not because i wanted to, but because i genuinely didn't believe i could ever make it through. Everyday it hurts. Everyday. No one understood. I didn't either.



I strongly believe that no one should go through helplessness of that magnitude ever in their life. Don't you think so? Everyone of us, every single one of us living in this world deserves a better life. When we are born into this world, the decisions have been made for us. We just have to realise that inner compassion in the real world. Why were the whole world shaken when tsunami struck? Why so many people stood up against terrorism after 911? Why would the brutal military rule in Myanmar be exposed so much to the rest of the world after a Japanese reporter was shot down during the riot suppress? Why would aid be at the priority list of UN agenda if not for the fact that millions of children are dying due to starvation or malnutrition? Why? why? why? because we all deserve to lead a better life. And there's no need to compare one's suffering with the other because everyone is dealing with their own challenges.



Help should be everywhere. Hands should be everywhere. People are everywhere but hugs and shoulders are seldom selflessly everywhere. So how do you help?

Be there, that's all. Be there. Tell them straight off their faces that you're there. Don't sms or use internat chat. Call the person up and tell them you care and you're there, and stop judging, stop giving your advice, stop telling them how things should be done, stop the condemning, guilt-inducing and threatening. This is not an easy journey. Depression or any kind of illness is not a result of overnight loss or whatsoever. It must have been happening for long to create that impact, and it slowly builds up a protection wall that isolates them from the 'normal' world. And if you really care for and love them, be it someone slipping into it, suffering, recovering or recovered, then be patient. Be very patient. Find out what's happening. Find out what your friends are going through. Try. You've gotta keep trying and trying and trying and not giving up until they open up to you. Try. Try to understand and don't pretend to. Don't get fed up or disappointed because for so long they have been struggling with themselves. They are fed up and disappointed with themselves and that's why they need your help. If you really do care, and really want to help, go with them to seek professional help. Drag them to one because the hurt is beyond the threshold. But be there.



If you really want to help, truly, you have to be prepared to spend a precious journey of your life creating an impact on your friends.



Everyone needs a turning point. If you know someone is suffering and you want to help, please do. And if you're the one suffering, know that healing is possible. It's very tough, i know, and it may seem far away, and almost not worth the try, but it is. I'm here. I had gone through hell and now i'm still alive, thinking positively, and trying to restart all over again. So please, do try, get help.



There are new things for me to learn everyday. It isn't simple reformatting your mindset and shaping that as you go along. Now i'm still searching for a new place to start everything all over again. There's still a journey for me. But it would be good when you see me next time, you could give me a hug and tell me how brave i am. That's all..