Strength to Live

I went to church on Sun. It was good being in the House of God again. Yes, again, after so long. The topic was 'He who remembers'. And this called out to my memory of someone, from my previous church, being a run-away kid and a problematic person, sharing his story about God. I remember that almost on my knees, i cried on hearing his story, because i was so touched by the courage that God has bestowed onto him to open up and tell us his life. And to do just that, talking to a Housefull of people, you need more than your inner strength.

He is the one who remembers.

Going back to church was one of my decisions i made. Because i wanted to find out what went wrong in my life that moved me away from God, and most importantly, why i could not feel His presence during my turbulent time whereas everyone else said He was there. So for the 2nd time in my life, i started a journey in search of God.

On my way back, i was just thinking - Who carried me through during the past few months. When i didn't see i was ever going to make it, who was there to ease my pain, even if it's just a little. When there wasn't any beings around to help, who gave me the courage to turn in everynight and wake up every morning. Who provided me with the inner strength to hold my tears when i rushed back just in time to decide on the Funeral. Who has made me want to get out of depression and dug out my inner desire to have a better life. Who was there to decide for me to leave the Blackness of my life and start making effort to get back to normality. Who made me want to talk to people again when most of them have failed me? Where did the wish for forgiveness come from?

And on Sun, i thought i knew a little more about who i want to be, and a little more about Love.

When i got home, i cried. Because i saw the ends for myself. I saw in reality what i'd always wanted to achieve in my life. I saw that holding hands. I saw that Humour. And i saw that Love that was mutual, coming from both ways, from hearts and from Above. I saw they are going to grow old together, and make it there one day.

Memories just kept flashing back. Of the time when i felt the urge to tell my Story but didn't because no one was willing to Stop and Listen. Of the split second when i decided to be strong and be there for my Family and Relatives eventhough i was feeling terribly wrong inside. Of the moments when i sent out so many SOS signals but none of them came to rescue. Of that afternoon when i first saw a dead body with fingers turning purple and a face so crooked that i felt out of place looking at someone whom i wished i could have loved more and spent more time with. And of the days when i was convincing myself not to commit suicide or run away when i couldn't even see the reason to live.

I knew i didn't have that kind of audacity to hold that. My heart wasn't that big to contain all these Blackness in my life. Who was there?

Because i couldn't see You, anyone at all. It was like a Black hole where i was being sucked in. I mean, What if i decided to quit? What if i gave up?

Would anybody do anything else at all beside coming to my funeral and cry in front of me because i died young?

Would you even Stop and Ask yourself why you didn't choose to Be There?

Would it change the Way you think about Love?

Would you Choose to make a difference the next time you see someone heading to the graveyard?

Would you realise that one day you would lose someone whom you love deeply, and hope that someone could Be There?

Would it appear to be ironic to you as you go all out to share with everyone the spirit of volunteerism or to save one of the starving African children when you didn't or couldn't even save your friends?

Would you still wait till you have the Time and Money before you help?

Would you even regret of not being there when all you might lose is your job but someone out there risks losing his life just because Help and Love gets to him too late?

I thought about all these when i was coming to a decision to live or Not. As far as i know, people would still be ignorant, eventhough sometimes they care, because they are just caring for the sake of caring. They are caring only when it's at their convenience. It is never from the heart. It's their minds which are at work. Hearts can touch, but never the Minds. And most people care because they would feel bad if they do otherwise. It's never that. True Care is never that. When you truly care, it's putting the other person's best interests first over your own feelings.

That's why i chose to live. Because i didn't want to be like that. And because i was not convinced that people would change anyhow, i had to make real what i believe in. I didn't want to Care and Love only because that will get me somewhere. I didn't want to do that just because there's a need to. I want to experience love, be it giving or given, with no conditions. It's about daring to put ourselves on the line, even if we might risk losing something.

I felt more relaxed having come to that decision. A few days ago, one of my friends, or should i say, acquintance, tempted me to try drugs. Drugs. Not smoking and not anything else but Drugs, which could end you up with life sentence. For a moment, i thought of trying. Maybe i should just try for once and for all. I felt i was almost coming to a relapse, of going back to where it all started. But i remembered. I remembered my Mum would be really mad to see me doing this. And the Lord doesn't like that too. So with ease, i rejected my friend.

See. It's all about the Decision. To stay away and to live.