KL Trip

Sometimes we cry for no reason, and sometimes we do for every reason. Thank you B. Thanks for stopping. Thanks for choosing to stop and talk to me, in a real way. And thank you for letting me cry in front of you, under the bright sunlight, without asking me to explain everything, explain everything and explain everything. It's so tiring to have to explain everything. I wasn't sad at all but my tears just ran down. I cried not because your words echoed what i was feeling. Rather, i was genuinely touched by your effort to stop and spend 10 min of your life to bring comfort to me.

I drove to KL alone. Not that it's a Big thing to drive up alone but it was my first time on the highway since i got my license and i was not familiar with KL at all. I chose to drive up, alone, because i thought i was responsible enough to take care of my life. I knew i had to face it alone - the struggles, the people, the lost dreams, and the places. Kuala Lumpur. A name so familiar that it hurts. A place where i started out. Started to really want to have Something in my life and live my dreams up. A place where it ended and then i was trapped. I would have chosen not to go KL if i have known it's a Blackhole that would suck me in. But i chose to go. I had a choice and i chose to come near the Blackhole. And i did so so righteously, so determined. It was so Me. So irrational, so stubborn, so rash.

I paid the price for that. A heavy price.


I was on the corridor of that Building, and memories kept flashing back. I didn't want to hide because i could remember how i was so brave to receive the Brokenness. I just sat there, thinking and thinking, for a long long time. I didn't want to leave. It's like i was trying to save whatever that was left behind. That instant when He called and i could only hear crying. I hate to receive that kind of calls. I hate to know it's my Father crying on the other side. I hate Crying Father, because there wasn't a time when you took up the courage to be a real Father. You merely knew how to put Love into words, and expected us to return in actions. You never bother to find out what's going on deep inside us. You only knew theories, and dramas, and actings. You only wanted to instill a sense of guilt in us to repay your so-called 'kindness'. You only wanted to show how aged and how vulnerable you are and how we should repay you. You just wanted us to be grateful of this Home that you brought to us, unconditionally.


I've had enough of these. Enough.


That night, i was so shocked, so scared inside that i din dare to cry. On the journey back, i kept telling myself to be brave, more forgiving, because people were going to say hurtful thing when they din really mean it. I told myself to stand strong and be more accepting. I did just that. There was no a single tear shed when i reached home. I heard crying, crying and crying. I didn't see Mummy. And i thought this's it. She was Dead. And Dead people won't come to you and say goodbye before they died.


Did anybody know How much i looked stronger on the outside was showing how much i was hurting inside.


It's nearly lunchtime. People were rushing in and out. I was still sitting there, trying to recollect myself, trying to Remember, so that the memory won't be so hurting and haunt me as much as it did. And i found out later that you can't let go by forgetting. You let go by remembering.


I was talking to myself, again, on the ground which caused me a lot of hurt. I realised that sometimes, you need to grieve in different places, in front of different people, in order to become stronger. Sometimes, you need to try as hard to be truthful to yourself to let your own emotions run as you wish to get out of what's trapping you.


I thought about the Funeral, the people who came and those who didn't. For those who did show up, thanks for taking actions to show your care. For those who wanted to come but din manage to, somehow, thanks for your words and encouragements. For those who didn't, be grateful to yourself for having the breath to give whatever excuses to make yourself feel better. Looking back, i wasn't really upset about losing someone whom had raised me up. No, not as upset when compared to the realisation that i was losing the Future that i so longed for. I was extremely upset and angry because you Chose to stay away just when i needed you the most. You had a choice and you chose not to be there. How sad. How broken i was when i knew this. I wanted to give you a Slap and beat you up but somehow i din. Perhaps, i was consciously trying not to become like my Father. I was aware that i would be like him when i did that.


So much for the flowers, shared goals, common dreams, hugs and kisses. You din mean it when you said you wanted to build a future with me. You chose to say things which you din mean , and i chose to believe you. How naive. You chose to stay away when you could have helped me to get out of that Blackness. How silly.


And i'm going away with the conviction that Actions Speak Louder than Words. I would rather receive a hug than a $50 dollars note. I would rather to be comforted than to receive flowers. I believe in showing Love and Care in a real way, in actions, in a more time-consuming way, not at the back, behind the scence, hidden, only to be found out from someone else later. So much for the time freedom that we are all going after. If you really care, take not money or words but your time out. There is no point caring at the back. No point doing things behind the scene. No point being so humble about your love till you don't show it in front of those whom you love.

I think everyone is afraid, afraid of giving love whole-heartedly. Because of the fear of disappointment. Because love comes with expectations, commitments and responsibilities. It's heavy, and it becomes a burden that slows you down when you don't take things in the right way. Perhaps, very few people are wise enough to know that it's in the act of feeding a starving child which really pours out your love and not one of making donations, giving money, buying flowers, and sending aids.

I was a bit disappointed. Just a little, at how i was being treated during my short trip to KL. You said you care. Everyone was telling me everyone cares. But only B was willing to connect to me. I was grateful to receive that pat from M and to have C sharing photos taken in Korea with me. But you. You din even make time for me. We met and i was waiting for you to start a conversation. You din. I was sitting there. I waited for you not to just smile at me but speak to me. I gave you chances. I made time out for you. And you chose to be silent. You are leaders. You never ran out of words when speaking in front of a thousand people but you chose to be silent in front of me. You could speak confidently with strangers and yet you din even make a sound with someone whom someone else claimed you truly care. Perhaps you din see the point to stop by when i am not capable of helping you to make you a millionaire. So that's how you care. And that's how our relationship worked. We din have a foundation to lean on, even if there was, it wasn't that strong. We were just colleagues, maybe. And colleagues only help each other at work, not in life. Maybe you will start showing more care, in a real way, only if i'm back to your team. Maybe that's not who you are but your actions only show this aspect of you. I mean, why didn't you choose to care at the frontline, in my presence, if you truly care? Maybe you are afraid. Just afraid of showing true concern to someone whom you only get acquinted at work. Maybe you are used to giving love at the back, behind the scene, donating meals for the African children, helping people to make real their dreams, and teaching people how to be an altruistic person just because it will help in your career anyway. Maybe you don't understand what true care is all about.

And i hope one day, you will understand what Love and Care is all about. It's about putting yourself on the line, being daring to take the risks, and being there for someone whom you truly love and care enough to make time for. It's never hidden, never so secretly, never so secluded. Never that.

I drove home the following evening because i felt out of place. Everybody seems to be getting there. BD. TE. Vietnam Trip. Ruby. Leaders. And yet out of the so many souls there, nobody chose to speak to me in a real way. It's like an empty shell. Full of joyful people. People with dreams, achievements, status and niche. People with overly positive attitude. People who don't know how to show Care and Concern in a real way.

And then it's supposedly Home Sweet Home.

How i wished it's really that.