The decision

I always used to have a vision in mind, of me, trying to draw pictures about who i want to be and who i'm becoming. It was like standing at a crossroad, making a choice, coming to a decision, but not knowing the complications of what each route leads to.

It was a grey area. And for so long, my world has been surrounded by unaccomplished goals, lost dreams, self-despair, anguish, guilt, and suicidal depression.

I remember a few days ago, out of frustration of not doing anything to create impacts in this world, i shifted myself to a junction. A crossroad. A middle ground where i could un-grey my world.

Sometimes, people shape the way you think, especially those closest to you. Sometimes, some people can't even see the way out for themselves to provide the right guidance for you. It's like lighthouses. How could they possibly lead you in a right way when they themselves are not glowing? i think it's about choices, to choose who you want to be with, and from whom you can learn stuff in a right way.

Strangely, i'm upset when i'm talking abt someone who should be bringing love and happiness to me. Is it true that you get hurt the most by those whom you love the most? I'm still trying to juggle that. Balancing act. Because for so long i've been fighting to strike a solitude between negativity at home and positivity that i thought ought to be displayed in a humane world. For 19 years, I have been taught to pick on people's weaknesses, and judge them. It's those small little things, which build up and create an impact on me.

I can still remember when i was abt 8, i was constantly warned of maintaining a distance with one of my teachers. Protection. In the name of self-protection i was reminded to stay away from that teacher who had been teaching me more than what's required. Why? Because everybody out there is bad. Only your Family is nice. Sexual Abuse, Kidnap, Conflicts of interest, Back-stabbing etc. For at least 10 years i had been educated to create a barrier. To draw a line between my own ground and others'. I had been told not to get close. Just watch. Watch with your eyes that everyone is bad and they would take advantage of you if u stay close enough. Only your Family can be trusted. It's a the only place where you can find love and care. It's your place. You've got to stay connected because the world is bad.

Irony.

Because i never feel loved enough to contain the hurt that i received from home.

And when i'm writing this entry, i received a call from home. Another incident. Another hurt. Another casualty. It hurts a little when i know about how people suffer while clinging onto the belief that He would get better. Because it reminds me of how i used to be so naive and persistent, holding fast to the conviction that one day, He would somehow, anyhow, change. And i could not help but lived in denial and isolated from the rest of the world becuz i'm just as lost as those who were concerned but did not know how to show it. It's because the hardest thing to accept, is to know that many do try to understand, but when they know a little more, they think they understood 100% of it and yet in reality, they don't. And that makes me feel out of place.

I wana move on. Yes a part of his DNA is in me, but so what? If somebody hurts you enough to make you want to jump off a building, would you go back and pretend nothing has happened? And someone told me that it's just a process. A process of loving, even mandatory if u want to grow stronger and wiser. No. We can have conflicts and quarrels. We can argue and hold different opinions. But NEVER a hurt so strong to make you want to jump off a building. Never a hurt to have such an impact to cause depression. Never. Never that.

And when you can't cope with that frustration of being affected daily to the extent that you're paralysed to do anything constructive at all, you stay away.

I think it's about choice. Choosing not to be bound by hurt. Choosing to move away from that place. Choosing who to be responsible for. Choosing to stay away.

Sometimes we've gotta take time off and stop, just for a moment, do yourself a favour - love yourself. Make that decision that is important for you. Do not be afraid. It's risky, i know, because the world will look at you in a different way, and you might feel out of place, but go for it, if you think it fits into your heart.

When you want to know God, and you have no friends inviting you to their churches, google search and attend one. When you see old women picking up used cans and looked really pathetic, go up to them and ask whether they've eaten their lunch. When you see a wheel-chair bound uncle trying to get into a train packed with commuters, be kind and wait for the next one because if you two are rushing to somewhere, you have legs to run. When you know of an acquitance dealing with emotional burden, take the initiative and be generous of your shoulders and hugs.

Tiny things. Small things. But they make a great difference. You need courage to do just that. Because people are watching. Because the world we live in is so grey that positivity is taboo. You've got to be sure of yourself. Because people would think you're an attention-seeker and you're not sincere. But really, just live it up. Just do it. It's okay when you face rejections and when people judge you. It's really okay. Because you've made an impact, you've decided to stop for others, and most important of all, you're doing yourself a favour by being truthful to yourself and not containing that compassion and love that's in you. You're not holding back. You're being yourself, and you're a better person from that.

There's always a point to start and a decision to be made.

Be brave. Don't be stingy about your hugs.

A tiny step for others might be a giant leap for you. You know yourself best. So dun judge.