Struggle

I have been going through a lot of internal struggles recently. But the intensity is gradually wearing off, i hope. Nonetheless, i am still trying my very best to cope. One of my counsellors once told me that healing has to take place in the presence of those who caused the hurt. Yes i believe so. It's just that i don't have the luxury of that happening in my life. So how am i going to get recovered? i really duno.


Well i weighed the consequences. I evaluated on my past doings and attitude. But still i think i'm a nice person. haha. And i seriously don't think i'm bad-tempered or i hav a low EQ. If you put yourself in my shoes, what would you do given the intensity and magnitude of that sort of SHIT that i went through? Would you still believe that things are going to be fine in the future?

During this grieving and healing period, i have been coming to terms with the fact that some people just don't understand why i can't pick myself up. Well can't you see that? That by making an effort to meet some friends, talk to people and even start doing things i love, i'm slowly grabbing the momentum of living all over again. The slightest step in your eyes is my hardest effort ever. Can't you see that? These tiny little stuff may seem trivial to you, but i'm using a whole lot of courage and determination just to even move myself forward a single step.

And some people just can't accept that i don't have goals and dreams, at least for now. They kept asking what my plans are and what are my wants and goals in life. I really couldn't answer that. i'm not lying. And it really hurts when i saw my friends withdrawing themselves and moving away from me just because i dun hav a plan for my life. I mean, why can't you guys be more understanding? i know you care enough to talk to me, and i care enough too to make the effort to meet you guys. But i need more time. i dun hav a long-term plan and a dream in mind. Can't you guys be more patient and be there when i screw things up? That's a plea, without obligation of course, cuz i've gone through much worse than this.

Erm.. i wana write this : When i woke up this morning at abt 7am, i felt a sudden surge of enormous pain rushing through my left chest. I thought someone was stabbing me. Really. I was so freaked out. I thought i was going to die becuz i felt my heart was going weaker and weaker from the throbbing pain. But when i looked around, there was no one. And i moved my hand across my chest, i could feel no wound. After a few seconds did i realise that the wound was internal. It was my heart aching from the inside. Heartache.

Have you experienced that before? I never wish anyone would need to go through that at all. It was unbearable. I know i'm wounded. I have a scar at the deepest corner of my heart. It won't go away. No matter how hard i try or how many days i have remained unshattered physically, the scar is and will still be there. That's something that i've acknowledged. And i have to admit that when scratched, the wound will bleed and i will have to seal the wounds all over again. But i know one day, the wound will have enough clotting factors so much so that when scratched, it is capable of sealing itself up without causing me a lot of pain. Those wounds and scars, they make me who i am today. And i just wana be myself. I'm vulnerable, yes, but i learn from lessons. I know i don't wana go back to my past where i cared too much that my well-beings were affected by my dad's mood and words, and that i was ignorant as to whether or not i was compromising my beliefs and myself to build a relationship, that, in my opinion, was meaningful. No, my past is not going to haunt me again. But the next time you see me in a bad mood, do lend me a listening ear.

p/s : hope i will never sprain my ankle again. Or else, i will have to crawl for the rest of my life.

纪念

今天，我想纪念一个人…

其实很久之前，就想把这个故事写下来，只是，这故事的完结，是另一波涟漪的开始。我的生命，宛如一波未平，一波又起。

我羡慕有家的人。或者说，我羡慕有“人”的家。一次又一次，我听着别人的故事，故事里的主人翁后来都变成了一家人。我把这些动人的故事，埋藏在我心坎深处，下次摊开的时候，再唱一首《关怀方式》，让自己感动久久。

跟你在一起，我学会了很多很多，关于自己在乎的，所想要的，渴望的…

你知道吗，当初决定跟你一起走，其实，我内心非常害怕，怕自己越陷越深，无法自拔，怕我佩不上你。因为，我想要过的人生，离我真得很远。

从前，对我来说，爱的世界里，只有快乐。爱，不就那么简单吗？两个人彼此喜欢对方，就可以一起跨越生命中的每一道障碍。爱，不就是有路一起走，有苦一起扛，有乐一起享，有梦一起织吗？再平凡也轰烈，再穷也满足，枪林弹雨，山穷水尽，有了爱，我都可以走。

原来，我们平行起跑，却往不同的方向奔去。

还记得，那一次，你的人生到达新的里程碑，全世界都在为你欢呼。我躲在角落看着你，自信的眼神，迷人的笑容，然后对自己说，我们的家，有了你，真的什么都不重要。我真的愿意做你成功背后的男人。那一次，是我第一次为一个人感到骄傲。

有一个夜晚，我努力地克制自己恐惧的心情，开车送你到车站。那一次，是我考到驾照以来，第一次在高速公路上行驶。

到后来，我们一直争吵。我一直问自己，要怎样挽回这摇摇欲坠的爱情。你却说，跟我在一起，浪费了你很多时间，让你睡眠不足。我听进去，仿佛回到了小时候，早晨醒来听到爸爸跟妈妈吵架和哭泣的那一瞬间，原来，爱的世界里，有更多的悲伤与裂痕，原来，我的梦，枷锁了你，绑住了你，让你失去了自由，原来，我的爱，没能让你飞得更高，更远。

我要的，很多吗？我只想要有个人跟我一起走，陪我面对每一天的挑战，带我走出阴霾的世界。你知道吗，你让我明白，我这样的一条烂命，也还能去付出，去爱别人。我要的，只是一个我不必掩饰自己的家，我要的，只是一个我可以不需要提起很大的勇气才能回的家。

原来，我想要家的梦，不能有其他梦鼓手。

因为，我不想独自承受那样的重量，在这样迷惘的世界里，找寻另一个踪迹。

刚开始，我很不服，为什么你说要跟我生活一辈子，却没有时间把这个感情经营起来。你说我让你的步伐停滞不前，到底我做错了什么？到最后，我跪在你面前求你，求你不要走，求你不要靠近了又离开，千万不可以，因为，我输不起。就像小时候，我跪在观音娘娘面前，爸爸拼命的用藤鞭或铁尺往我身上抽，我竭斯底里地在内心呐喊，请求观音结束我的生命，我很痛苦，他们把我生出来，又用枪射我。我承受不了。

我一心一意地想要跟你编织一个家，你却说我在消耗你有限的生命，这是我今生最大的耻辱。

爱到了这种地步，还有什么可以延续它？

直到最近，经历了这么多，才明白一切。也许，我的梦，太沉重了，要你跟我一起背着，真的辛苦了你。我的从前，现在跟未来，应该给了你很大的压力，让你裹足不前。我的爱，捆住了你，窒息了你，让你无法在天空中翱翔。对不起，真的很对不起。是我不好，当初，怎么会去相信我也可以成为故事的主人翁，托你下水。是我连累了你，我应该比谁都清楚我的世界只有灰色，没有彩虹。 对不起…

有时候，还是会去妄想，如果我是一个平常人，那该有多好，我可以跟你一起生活下去，因为，依然真的喜欢你。

我要的，只是一间屋子，跟你。

现在的我，不像从前一样，常去妄想。因为我知道，我生命里有的只有这么多，一个没有梦的人生能走的也只有那么远，不敢奢求什么，只想诚心地祝福你，能找到你所要的幸福。

然后…

执子之手，与子携老。

嗯，一定会有那么一天。

坚强

这一堂课
我们学坚强

人云
坚强亦跌倒后爬起来
我云
坚强亦在地狱呼吸着

记起儿时
您的温度
能舒缓我忐忑不安的心情
您的双手
足以拖着我的天真
迈向成长

忆起年少
您的笑容
是我每天的憧憬
您得慈祥
是我生命的泉源

想起懂事后
您的严格
像是隐性的任务
鞭撤我向上向善 饮水思源
您的教诲
充满了期盼与等待
有一天 从康庄大道上
我成就归来
有一天 从污秽社群中
我淤泥而不染

我的使命
召不回您的温柔和祝福
我的眼泪
唤不回我们要快乐的梦

妈妈 好久没见到您 却再也无法看到您了

学会
抑制快要夺眶而出的泪水
用微笑掩饰内心的伤痕
以宽容的心 看待自己的寂寞

您的怀抱
已离我而去
我的路程
没有您的扶持
我们的爱
只得拚命回顾
我们的梦
不用再被呵护着

我还是我
只是 对生活对情感对自己 已失去了颜色
就像
您还是您
只是 没有了活力与知觉
您上路了
摆脱了
不挣扎了
不再悲伤了
为什么 你没有把我也带走
留下我的躯壳
独自承担没有未来的未来
我不远走高飞了
我不犹豫不决了
我不争了
我准备好了
明天
和明天后的每一天
我会习惯这样的生活
在那灰暗的城市里
拼命地
一口一口
每分每秒
地
呼吸着

The fight

I'm eagerly waiting and preparing for the next blow in my life. November. It's approaching. I need to find a place, probably one that can only be reached by planes, to hide. Maybe i will play hide and seek. Maybe i will go missing for that just one week. I'm not going to skii. I'm not going to buy winter clothes. My efforts from the past few months just became ashes, or dust, wadever you wish to name them. It's alright. I'm okay with that. I've achknowledged that fact that my life is doomed, and good things won't happen in my life. That's it. Thank you for the company to remind me of that. The SAME-OLD-STORY. I'm good for nothing. But how am i going to tell my dad and uncles and aunts and sis and bro that i'm not quite capable of taking the flight there? I mean they don't understand. They never try to. Hmmm.. I'm still thinking of a solution. Anyone has one??

Erm i know some people hate to hear this but i have to say it. I could go to KL or stay at sg to work there and all. But it's a different story now. I don't have a fighting spirit. I dun wana fight for anything at all anymore. In order to excel in this biz, you need to fight for your mentors' time, and I can't do that anymore. You need to fight to secure a function or a place at a function, neither can i do that anymore. It was when Christine called that i realised this change in me. She said i must fight for that place in Korea, and i just felt like putting down the phone. No point fighting for something that i will never get. So how am i going to continue this biz, when i dun even have the urge to fight?

In life most people spend time fighting for things they want. Love, money, status, opportunities, etc. It's such a scene to see all of your friends and people around you fighting. They have goals and dreams. They have hopes and purposes in life. In one way or another, it's good. Good for them and good for me to watch them fighting. It reminds me of my past, when i believed i could fight and win. Badminton. Nustar. Home. School. Exams. Going overseas.

Yesterday before i turned in, i wanted to experience something different. Maybe somebody was there when all those nasty things happened. I prayed. I asked God to show up. If you were with me and are still there, please show up. If you're a loving God, pls show your love to me. Pls make me feel you love is with me. If i wasn't alone facing all these, and that it was a miracle by you of me surviving this battle, pls show me you're there. No one showed up. Noone said anything. Before i knew, i was asleep. And for one moment, like the rest of the things that i fought for in my life, i thought i was just fighting for something that i will never get. It's all just too good to be true in my life.

I was coming to deal with this. I asked for Him and He was not there. Hmmm and everyone around me seems to strongly disagree of my belief of his absence. I don't know. Maybe He was there for you guys when you needed Him the most. Maybe you are good people. Maybe you don't go around screwing other people's lives up. That explains, right? Because i'm not worthy of His love, and anyone's at all. Maybe He forgot me. I mean sometimes people do forget they are hurting you and then one month later, they come back to you and say sorry, yea? Maybe His love is too good to be true. Maybe He doesn't talk to people who don't speak to his dad for 1 month? Yup i think so.

For all my life i've been fighting for stuff which are nv meant to be mine. Fighting, fighting and fighting. Fighting to swim against the tides. Fighting to disregard negativity so that i can be a normal person. Fighting to gain that love that i so longed for. Fighting with myself to feel and say sorry for something which was not my fault. Fighting to run away from circumstances. Fighting to prove to everyone else what i'm made up of. Fighting to accept my fucked up life. Fighting to regain consciousness when i was stabbed in the heart. Fighting to breathe when i din even feel like being alive. Fighting for a home. Fighting for the time of someone whom i wana spend my life with. Fighting to fight to gain everything that i thought was worthwhile in my life. And now, i've stopped fighting. Everything ended there.

On the bright side, I can see that i'm gaining control of my life. That's a good thing. Because i have accepted my life, knowing too well that good things don't happen in my life, I'm able to walk out of any circumstance much faster. I'm just happy at that. At least i dun hav to go back to where i was, you know, hoping that some Superman or beings would come and rescue me when i was sentenced. Haha Yeah. And now i'm trying to deal with heartaches. One step at a time.

And i must say this. Mrs Quek, really thanks a lot. Meeting you during this difficult period was the most rewarding decision that i made. Really. Somehow, you made me feel complete. You made me feel that it's okay to take time off to grieve, knowing well that sometimes when you're really upset, the rest of your normal functions will be affected. Thanks for having a session with me. You may not be the one who understands everything, but at least you have time to listen to me. I mean you don't have to, right? You could charge me for the session and all or refuse to see such a 'negative' problematic kid, but you didn't do all that. I'm really grateful.

Hopeless

I duno how to start with this entry. Because for so long ( at least it seems like ), i have been trying to live my life, pick myself up, thinking about my next step, pondering how i would be able to make it through without even the slightest hopes. I tried. And nothing helps. I feel out of place in every circumstance. I feel every step is a gigantic burden on my shoulder. I feel like crying all the time but no tears came out. I feel i should just drift and fade away.

I am a person without hopes. I'm hopeless. And life has no meaning to me now. I used to think that stuff like cigarattes, drugs, etc are bad. They destroy lives. They make you a filthy being. When i open my eyes every morning, i duno what i need to do for the day. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to carry me through every single night. I don't feel like working. I don't feel like meeting any of my friends. I don't feel like talking and taking meals at times. I don't feel like being awake and alive. Sometimes when i'm walking, and i don't know where i'm heading to. I forgot why i'm walking and where i'm going. Okay tell u the truth. I just feel like smoking, doing drugs, having sex all the time. At least they are more stimulating, and that they remind me that i'm still living and i can still feel high in life.

I used to think that perhaps i didn't want to eliminate hopes from people about me. Me getting back to normal life and stuff. I could dress nicely, gel my hair up before meeting people. And in that way, maybe they would think i'm okay, adjusting and moving on. But there's a contradiction. I dun want to give people false hopes. That i could look smart and well from the outside but in actual facts i'm shaking inside. I feel bad doing that. Because i have no hopes. There's no point hiding that what i'm feeling inside. It will not get better.

So tell me how to live a life without hopes and purposes. How do you ever take a step forward when you don't see a point making the effort? How do you open up to someone when all your life you have been controlled, monitored and imprisoned? Where do you take the courage to go for work when you don't feel like getting yourself out of the bed every morning? Would you talk to people if conversations just make you more aware of your own inadequacy and incapability to achieve simple stuff? Would you even bother to explain to anyone what's happening to you when all they care for is you getting back to work?

If you have the answers, do let me know

That's me

8.10.07 - so he reminded that we have not been talking for weeks. I don't see anything wrong with that, if staying in this state is not giving me extra burdens and not going to break me. Sometimes my relatives asked if i'm ever going back to work. Yes, maybe. They asked if taking such a long break will affect my biz that i have built up. I uttered erm. They asked if staying 'offline' for so long is going to help. It's pretty hard to answer that one. Yes, i would think so. There are so many things that i wished i could find a way to explain to them and my friends.

In the past, my mum would ask me to spend more time with family. Yes, mum, i would like to, but i have dreams.And everytime i come home, she would keep asking how well my biz has set off, and how life was treating me in the workplace. Everytime, i would walk away. I would change subjects. I would do anything just to skip her questions about my work. Because i didn't want her to get worried. She would infer that my ignorance has something to do with negativity in my career. Erm, yes and no.It's me myself who had decided to defer my overseas school life that i have so longed for.So i didn't want to sound weak to her. I didn't want her to look at me with eyes showing her victory that i have finally regretted on my decision. Basically, i din want to look at her at all becuz she knows me. She knows i have a dream to set her free, but still insisted on spending more time with family. She wants to see me in that dark blue suit and a squarish cap with a degree. She wants to see me getting out of the college.

Mum, how could i tell you these? That i had my own share of problems at work. Me and my colleagues argued. And i ran away to Penang. I slept on the street... Mum pardon me, but how could i bear to tell you my suffers when you're actually living in hell??

Mum, there are things that i want you to understand. I never got the courage to tell you. Because i'm your son, and i want your acceptance so desperately. Pardon me for being ignorant. Really. It's not that i din care what's happening at home. I know all of you, mum, sis and bro went through hell at home. I didn't care. When things happened, i just ran away. I couldn't save you all. Mum, you know what. I was still hoping that one day, when i am a SOMEBODY, things might get better, and he would change. Maybe he would be proud of me, and treat you like a being, because you bore me. And i couldn't save myself. Everyday, every single day when i was away, i got the strength to face life from hoping. And because i had relied totally on what i hoped would happen, i scared people away. They felt burdened being with me. They felt pressured to even share life with me. Mum, all my hopes and dreams, they required the participation of other people. Going to Maldives with the person i love - it requires me to find and maintain a productive relationship. Building a home for you - it must have your presence and contribution. And mum, a few weeks before you're gone, i lost the first dream. After you passed away, i had lost everything in my life. I can never never go home.

Mum, without you, i tried being strong. And it wore me off. I'm left with nothing but sheer tiredness. I'm living like a zombie. I don't know where i'm heading to, what to look forward to, what more i could achieve in life without a dream. Everyday i'm just playing jig-saw, trying to piece back scattered, disjointed aspects of life together. Sometimes, i gave up. There's no point salvaging what seems like a wrecked World Trade Centre after 911. At times, i tried to take charge of my emotions. I told myself i just have to be more patient. When life is in such havoc, you either break or take in breathe minute by minute.

Mum, i'm no longer driven. I've lost all the colours and passions in life. I hope you can accept that. That's me. Sometimes the wounds hurt so much that i wish i could have replaced you to receive the crash from the speeding motorbike that bang onto you. And that's me. When you had cancer earlier on, i spent every night praying and crying to God that i was willing to swap with you. You take my healthy soul. I go through chemo for you. And that's me.

Sometimes i can't hold it anymore. I wana quit. I'm just tired, tired of swimming against the tide, proving myself... i'm tired.

Mum, getting close to someone, anyone is now very, very hard for me.

It's easier, safer for me to watch from a distance. Sometimes i feel so lost i've never been able to experiece things like normal people. So i watch others and smile for their joy. You know, my uplines, like Jon&Eve going for honeymoon at Maldives, Joe&Adel having a baby, DrTan&Carine having a wonderful career and family, Jordan having a Cooper, Ivan&Carrie mother-and-son pair, BenPoh having family members whom he can spend his weekends with, Kelvin having such warm and sensitive parents, Chongyi having such a wonderful dad whom he can identify with, Ron having a loving wife etc. So i will make eye contacts, bow my head in respect, and stroll off feeling a little warmer inside, thinking i'd never be able to share moments in time like other families and couples. And sometimes, that's enough.

I'm still scared, but no longer terrified. I can live with that, Mum. But one day, mum, i would like to be a real person. A person who is able to let down his guard and let someone in. Before i die, i would like to experience that.

If i have to remain alone, i will. Above all i know not only can i survive, but i can trust myself and i feel secure with that promise.

And that's how i'm going to live my life. That will do.

Be the change you want to see in this world

Everyday i do my best. Everyday i try to deal with realities.I may have lost the ability to dream and all, but i'm still able to do the simple stuff. I can still sit down and spend quality time with myself, and discover what is truly important to me.

If there is ever one realisation that i learnt, it's about beginning to accept and acknowledge my own inadequacy. You know at times when i'm walking on street, looking at people, pondering, and gaining that self-awareness, i just feel incompetent, and lost. I had goals that i wanted to achieve so desperately 2 months back, but they are now becoming less and less significant now. It's self-awareness. I know my boundaries. I know i could only go so far in certain aspects of life. That will do.

I may not know what i want in life, and may never find the answer. But i can still live. I will fall down, stumble, get hurt along the way; yet it is getting up that truly matters.I don't live a life to prove to others what i'm made up of. I know i can do something every single day that is going to build me up. I only have to make it through - one morning, one afternoon, and one evening at a time.

Sometimes i screw things up. I quarrelled with siblings, ran away from circumstances, ate laksa and KFC, was affected too much by my dad's words, etc, but i don't screw things up all the time. When i reflected, i told myself that if there were things that i could have done to stop all that, i just have to do better the next time. If i did try my best to deal with the situations,and there was nothing more i could do, i just have to let go and move on. And there are times when i try to build things up -- talking to people, reading, doing sports, washing toilet, sending my bro to piano lesson and all. At the very least, i have started living, breathing in fresh air, and carrying some responsibilities.

I'm not seeking pity here nor am i wallowing in self-pity. i'm just stating who i am. I've spent all these years studying and working hard because i had hopes. Hope about getting my mum out of the hell so that she could live like a human, have hobbies and friends, and be a mother and be proud of me. Hope to be successful in life and go on to help the less fortunate. Hope to build an orphanage, a school and a library to cater to those who are socially deprived. Hope to build a home together with someone i love. And i think i can do without all these hopes. Mb i won't fight so hard to excel in my careers like i used to do, but i can spend more time doing charity work. Mb i can't really be close to those i love, but i can make more effort to care about other people. Mb i won't have a Sports Car or a BMW in my life, but i could spend those money on humanitarian projects.

All in all, it's the realisation that it all starts out with me. And only me myself can be the initiative and the change i want to see in this world.

Okay that will do.

Home (1)

从前，每当听到陈洁仪的<天冷就回家>或Michael Buble的, 就会有一股冲动，想要冲回家。

还记得，那年我刚到新加坡求学过寄宿生活，每当来探访的爸爸和妈妈在傍晚离去的时候，我都会强颜欢笑说byebye，然后转过身，泪流满面。因为，我很想家。

小的时候，我很爱家。爸爸说，家丑不可外扬。我把家里的喧哗告诉班组任，她在家长日那天把我的倾诉转告我父母。回家后，爸爸跟妈妈叫我跪在观音娘娘面前，用藤鞭打我，要我对娘娘发誓，我会爱这个家。我不明白，我很爱家，怎么妈妈跟观音没有把我救起来。

那一次，姐姐也有跪，她差一点就晕过去。

那一天，我告诉自己，我没有家，以后就靠自己闯出去。

那一年，我没有光宗耀祖，没有得到模范生的奖杯。

i'm a NOBODY

Okie last Sat, 29th Sept, he reminded me that it has been a long 19 difficult year. Those stuff which i really did try my best not to carry with me all these while have now become more vivid than before. I still believe that no matter the environment, there comes a time when the choice is ours. I'm slowly losing the grip. Gradually.. Painstakingly.. but i can feel that i'm turning it off. I am still nervous and tensed up, but surely i'm getting rid myself of the rubbish.

Trying to stay alive in a cell is never easy. I don't mean those physical tortures that i had to suffer since young. It was mental. And i'm becoming not like myself. Sometimes i consoled myself by telling myself that once i'm grown up, i could stay away. I could break free, bit by bit, everyday, of those devastating moments which happen almost every single day when i am at the cell.

I don't hate him. I don't hate a single person. He could do anything he likes, beating my mum up, chasing his wife out of the cell, waking me up at 3am to scold me, despising my characters, calling me an irresponsible bastard, fighting a cold war with me for days when i refused to get testimonial from my teachers, hating my sister, hurting my brother everyday, writing vulgarities to my mum and the CHIN family, refusing to give us money for dinner etc. I just don't hate him. I hated myself, for incapable of living a truly decent life after all these struggles, and because i was not able to, as a son, give him something to change and to quit his lifestyle that almost costs us lives. I QUIT!

And all my friends think that i'm in a habit of screwing things up due to my past. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE FRIENDS FOR!? They could be really nice at times, helping you at work or giving you advice on life goals etc. But don't you feel that losing MUMMY is one thing, losing DREAMS is another thing, losing a HOME is a big thing, and losing HOPE is a bigger thing? And when that happens, all your friends are either too busy to really bother about you and all they can do is say HI, MY DEAR HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY via internet. So i say FUCK OFF! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Nobody truly cares. Nobody truly makes the effort to understand what exactly i'm going through. Nobody cares to find out whether i'm living in a home or a hell. Nobody bothers to save 2 hours of their lives for me. Everyone expects me to 'SPRING' back to normal, if not better in life. Everyone expects me to return to work where i have a Brokenness there. Everyone expects me to stand up for myself, if not my mum. What the HECK. I'm a NOBODY k. Just wipe the traces that i ACCIDENTALLY left in your life. So i'm sorry about that smirk. But really just Forget about having me in your life.

My Life

我被关在监狱里，任何举动都可能引起大风大浪。监狱里不时有人经过，监狱官，医护人员，社工，律师，都只驻足旁观，用在动物园看动物的眼神凝视我，没有人愿意伸出援手把我救出来。我在这狭小的范围拼命维持着呼吸，拼命把食物在中午或晚上往已经没有胃觉的肚子里吞，恐惧地等待下一次的发落。

从监狱里的人群中听说，外面还有很多人在打听我的下落， 但是，没有人愿意撤下繁忙的作息，走进监狱里了解我的处境。有些狱囚问我，我为什么会被关在这里。其实，我也不知道， 只是，从我有知觉开始，我就一直被囚禁在这里，每隔一段时间，都要挨绳鞭，以致我遍体鳞伤，无从反抗。

我逃不出去，你们懂吗？

我的手脚都被铁链烤住，每一次想逃出去时，都摆脱不了铁链的纠缠，有时，用力过盛，离狱门就差那几步，却弄得自己伤痕累累。从前，很憧憬外面的生活，因为可能外面我可以有我自己的家。现在，我宁愿不逃了，呆在监狱里，住的吃的都有，只要我不逃，我只需要用舌头舔抚绳鞭的血痕，用不着担心手脚被铁链拴得死去活来。

外面的世界真的会有光亮吗？可是，那年我出游的时候却看见外面的人类个个都把脸朝向太阳，假装这个世界没有阴暗。

我害怕，害怕有一天，当我发觉呼吸也毫无意义的时候，我会用铁链将自己的脖子紧紧地绑住，让自己的身子不用再在发落的时候努力地挪动着。

这一天，应该真的不远了吧。